Life After Rehab…Step 1

June 17, 2014 — Leave a comment

“IT’S SUMMER?!?!? WHAT? WHO? WHERE? WHEN?!?”

So it hit me the other day that summer is here. Oh, don’t misunderstand…I know that it is summer! We have been looking forward to the days when there’s no school and there are more hours to play. (Although, with our recent relocation, we’ve really been acting like it’s summer since Christmas.) So it wasn’t really the fact that summer has arrived that caught me off guard. What was profoundly shocking about my realization was that our year of “Family Rehab” is over. When we started this crazy adventure, we committed to taking one school year at home to rehabilitate our family and our hearts. Wow. The school year is over. Those 9 months went by incredibly fast. This surprising conclusion has raised many questions concerning Family Rehab:

“Was it worth it?”

“Did we succeed and change?”

“Did we learn anything?”

“Are we better for it, or worse?”

“If we’ve learned anything during this year, how do we keep from reverting to old habits and behaviors?”

When a person enters a formal drug treatment program, they don’t stay there forever. They go through months of overpowering therapy and work, learning how to live in a world that entices them back to their addictions. It’s an intense time created with the purpose of preparing the person to one day leave the facility in better physical, mental, and emotional health. When a person is leaving a treatment facility for drug or alcohol abuse, there can be a lot of similar questions to my Family Rehab questions:

“Was is worth it?”

“Did I succeed and change?”

“Did I learn anything?”

“Am I better for it, or worse?”

“How am I going to survive out there?”

“How can I keep from falling off the wagon?”

I did a little research and found 7 helpful steps from a rehab website (http://www.michaelshouse.com) for those re-entering life after rehab. I think these steps are helpful for our family also as we consider life after Family Rehab. In the posts to come, I will cover these steps and how they relate to all of us in our every day walk.

First of all, it’s wise to note that going to rehab of any kind, whether for substance abuse or for Family Rehab, doesn’t fix a person and take away their struggles. Rehab is designed to concentrate on the tools needed to face the struggle head-on and to lead a life of sobriety. 1 Peter 1:13 says, “Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” Our struggles with sin, with parenting, with relationships, and with coping in this world rely soley on the saving grace of Jesus. Our hope lies in Him–not in improving our performance or trying harder. So these helpful tips for diving back into the real world after a season of intentional learning and healing are not the saving secret codes to life. They are merely help in maintaining that sober-mindedness. They are merely a way to keep the mind prepared for the action that life throws our way. These 7 steps I will share over the next week can help make the transition from a slower pace of intentional living back into regular life a little less stressful.

Step 1: Find Sober Friends

“Addictions often form through the influence of other people. Studies on teens, such one published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, clearly demonstrate that peer pressure is a powerful motivator for drug use, as those teens who spend time with pro-drug friends are more likely to use when compared to teens who spend time with sober friends. The same could be said for adults. Those who have friendships built on drugs may find it hard to go to parties, share meals, or otherwise interact and stay sober, as the temptation to use might grow and spread. Sober friends can be vital, as they may be willing to engage in fun activities that don’t involve substance abuse. Temptation levels might fade when people are surrounded by others who are sober” (http://www.michaelshouse.com).

Using this logic from a drug rehabilitation program as a guide, step 1 for Family Rehab is also to find sober friends–that is, sober-minded friends. 1Timothy 3 speaks directly to sober-minded influences or leaders and overseers in the church:

“Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church? He must not be a recent convert, or he may become puffed up with conceit and fall into the condemnation of the devil. Moreover, he must be well thought of by outsiders, so that he may not fall into disgrace, into a snare of the devil” (1 Timothy 3:2-7).

It doesn’t take much thought to see the wisdom in seeking out sober-minded friends. When surrounded by people who demonstrate the qualities listed above, peer pressure alone makes us better people. But, in the book of Titus, Paul explains the the relationship with sober-minded people is not just one that consists of merely being surrounded my these people. They have been called to be teachers and we are to allow ourselves to be taught by them. He writes to these teachers:

“But as for you, teach what accords with sound doctrine. Older men are to be sober-minded, dignified, self-controlled, sound in faith, in love, and in steadfastness. Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. Likewise, urge the younger men to be self-controlled. Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, and sound speech that cannot be condemned, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say about us. Bondservants are to be submissive to their own masters in everything; they are to be well-pleasing, not argumentative, not pilfering, but showing all good faith, so that in everything they may adorn the doctrine of God our Savior” (Titus 2:1-10).

Wow…I want to be around someone who has been charged with all that and is willing to take on the challenge. I want to learn from them, study them, and become like them.

In the next phase of our “sobriety”, I think it is important that each member of our family find sober-minded friends. Not just friends, but mentors–people from whom we can learn. For Paul and I we have various mentors already in place for different areas of life. But I think we need to look forward with the goal of really seeking mentorship in the area of parenting specifically. There are couples God has placed in our lives whose families we admire. Their children are respectful and follow Jesus with a passion. Their marriage seems strong and steady. They speak of their spouses with the upmost grace and care, never slandering or damaging them. They deal with stressful situations with calm and peaceful ease demonstrating a firm belief and trust in the Lord’s plan. I want to encourage my children to seek out mentors in older children as well. (Of course, we have to approve their choice.) But we want them to start now looking to older and more seasoned believers for guidance and wisdom. We are naive if we think our children will come to us for advice on all areas of life. We are also naive if we think we can go through life as parents without mentors. I want us all to learn how to recognize and make relationships with sober-minded friends. (Us ladies, find ladies. The guys, find guys.) This, however, doesn’t mean that we circle the wagons and cut-off relationships with those who are outside our circles of faith or condone the particular sins others struggle with. It does mean that those relationship look a little different. If a women is struggling to respect her husband and is filled with frustration, she probably shouldn’t go vent to her girlfriend who is constantly husband bashing. That won’t bear any good fruit or set her up to battle her temptation to sin. Likewise, the man who is struggling with lust probably would not do well to go hang out with a group of guys from work whose relationship is built around frequenting the local strip club. It also will not bear good fruit, nor set him on a path away from temptation.

Who we spend time with, learn from, and let influence our decisions is important. In our American culture we tend to think our opinions and convictions are invincible. But in reality we are so easily impacted by popular trendy beliefs, voices of “intellect” and status, and by merely unconsciously observing the lives of others. Just like the addict, spending the weekend with a best friend doesn’t seem like a potentially dangerous plan in which safety has to be questioned–and maybe it’s not. But the purpose of rehab is to train ourselves to at least be willing to ask questions about the people we let speak into our lives…whether the person is as close a relative or spouse, or as distant as Oprah.

Not only do we need to ask questions about current relationships, but we need to seek out sober-minded friends and mentors. This is a hard process…especially when in a new area like our family currently is. But, the hard and awkward work of getting to know people and learning about them is all worth the effort if the result is having relationships with people who are courageously marking a path of sobriety before you, and setting up boundaries in relationships that might discourage positive headway on the journey.

My prayer is that God leads us to these good relationships and gives all of us, but especially our children, the discernment and wisdom to identify sober-mindedness and the courage to engage and learn from those who possess it. I also pray that we cling to those relationships that are already established and have been proven to bear good fruit. Through all of our life after rehab I pray that we don’t forget our most valuable lesson from the past year—that our greatest friend and influence is Jesus. His faithfulness is unmatched. His sobriety amidst trial and temptation is above that of anyone else. His relationship—a priceless treasure. His forgiveness—unending. His love—relentless.

Psalm 25:14 says, “The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant.” He makes known to us His faithfulness to His great promises. Whatever “Life After Rehab” will look like, we can trust that in His friendship He will let us know the “what, who, where, and when” of each moment. He has promised to love us, to never forsake us, and to guide us. And we can trust that He will open our eyes to see the fulfilling of those promises.

Keep an eye out for Step 2 of Life After Rehab…

It’s getting personal…

April 30, 2014 — Leave a comment

So I have been feeling rather guilty lately about quite a few things. I seem to be taking everything very personally. I feel bad about my lack of posts. I can’t seem to get into the rhythm of regularly writing (or showering for that matter). My food intake could be made into the next fast food documentary and how it causes weight gain and lack of energy. School has been hit or miss. We did really well for one week. The girls were on a rotating schedule for making breakfast and we had new “classroom” procedures that were catchy and cute that all the kids seemed to enjoy. Then the weekend came and we fell off the wagon…and that was 2 or so weeks ago. Really my guilt is subtle pride. I wish I could be more, do more, and control more and think I actually possess the power to do so on a good day. So, consider paragraph #1 my confession and repentance for all of that. 🙂

I also have been convicted about my disdain for pets. We have a cat that I can’t stand. He’s so full of himself and I have no compassion or affection for him. Any animal that retaliates by pooping or peeing on their owner’s personal belongings shouldn’t be a pet in my opinion. I take every act of defiance from the cat personally. I think he knows I don’t like him and he knows he isn’t going anywhere either because my oldest daughter would crumble into pieces without him. He’s got me right where he wants me and it drives me crazy. But the other day, I was reading Proverbs 12:10: “Whoever is righteous has regard for the life of his beast, but the mercy of the wicked is cruel.” UGH…really God? Now, I have to have regard for the life of the cat? It’s so inconvenient when the Word gets personal.

Later that day, we were leaving a store and there were puppies outside who were up for adoption. I had no desire to have another pet, but she was so darn cute and that stinkin’ Proverb was stuck in my head. So, now we also have a puppy. I guess Jesus is changing me. Meet Phoebe:

She is so sweet and her story is so sad. She was found in a dumpster and rescued. Then the family that initially adopted her had a Great Dane that kept sitting on her so they returned her. All the misfortune of her short 5 months of life has softened my heart for her.

Jesus is working on changing more than just my compassion for animals. Phoebe has dramatically changed our family routines for the better. Now we go on walks and play outside much more. She has snapped us out of an unhealthy physical lifestyle rut. I am so glad that we gave in to those big ol’ bat ears of hers. 🙂 Through Phoebe, God has reminded me that we need routine that looks different for a different season in life. I can’t expect to be transplanted from one place to another, keep the same systems and schedules, and be sane.

God has been reminding me here and there through friends and new acquaintances that times of transition and change can really send everyday rhythms and the best of intentions topsy-turvy. I think God has purposefully introduced me to numerous people who school their children at home. They have all reminded me that it’s okay to take this time to settle and find those new rhythms and that there is no set time limit on this particular season of life. This season has included meeting new people and going to new places and just figuring life out again–and that takes time. I am so thankful for the encouragement that the way things look right now is okay for right now.

Family Rehab has started to focus on personal growth and change and not just coming together as a family. It’s getting personal. Though life right now is at times uncomfortably new, I feel as though we are really walking in a new found health by being forced into trusting Jesus together as a family. More and more I see how this move and ministry change has enhanced our Family Rehab process. There’s nothing like taking a fish out of its round bowl and plunging it into the sea to see what it’s really made of. There have been times when I am fearfully hiding behind artificial purple coral and other times when I have puffed myself up like a blow fish to give the illusion of grandeur. Neither is okay. Neither is displaying trust in Jesus. I am slowly learning to trust God in how He has made me, trust Jesus in how He has redeemed me, and trust the Holy Spirit in how He continues to transform me. Every day I am presented with a new opportunity to check myself and my responses to my different surroundings. I need to learn these things and apply them to my personal life if I want to effectively teach my children how to trust Jesus with the daily stuff.

This past weekend our family was invited to a birthday party. We were going to be meeting a lot of new people, which for me can be quite overwhelming. So my heart and my thoughts were already vacillating between fear and arrogance as we got in the car. Everyone was to bring a favorite food or dish to share. We decided to pick up some Chinese food from the amazing place we stumbled upon the week we moved. Because of my anxiety about having to eat, talk, feed the baby, and juggle kids while maintaining conversation, a good disposition and keeping food off my face and out of my teeth, I decided to eat a few egg rolls in the car as we drove to our new friend’s house. Those egg rolls were so satisfying. (They deserve at least 30 minutes in my unhealthy food documentary.)

We pulled up to the house as I was cramming the last two-bites-worth into my mouth. Grease ran down my chin and I panicked when I realized there were no napkins in the to-go bag. Oh, great…what a way to meet people! I grabbed something out of the diaper bag and quickly wiped what I could just as the rest of my gang piled out of the car. No need for a last minute application of lip gloss when you’ve got egg roll grease! I was instantly reminded of my uncanny ability to focus on the wrong things, fear the wrong things, and try to fix the wrong things. The evening was wonderful and I had no problems with kids, or eating, or even spinach in my teeth. (At least no one told me about it.) It was just a gentle reminder that I am nothing more or less than what Jesus has made me to be…and that’s enough and just right for the season and place in which He has put me.

I don’t often possess that kind of strength and confidence in Jesus and His plan. I usually feel as though I am not enough and therefore, have to supplement what God has done for me and in me. How arrogant!! I can’t add to what He has done. I can’t add to what He has called me to do for this particular season. He knows what is best and He does more than enough to equip me for each and every thing. He will equip me with time, resources, and His Spirit at just the right time. And when He does, I will have so much to rely on that things will come with ease and joy.

It’s become a helpful thing to ask myself a few questions when I am met with these “out of fish bowl” experiences. I need to make the experience a growth opportunity as part of my personal rehab. First of all, I have to ask myself, “What emotion I am even feeling?” I know this sounds a little ridiculous. But I am learning that often the emotion that is seen on the outside, especially by others, isn’t really at all the emotion that is at the root. When I lash out with impatience with my kids, it’s hardly because they have done something to drive me to that point. It usually has to do with some insecurity I am feeling about something completely unrelated to them. Or if I am feeling exhausted and tired, the emotion of sadness is usually at the root of my fatigue. So it’s helpful for me to ask the question. It can force me not only to take time to process what is really at the root of my behavior and outward emotions, but also snaps me out of whatever emotional outburst I am having. Then I am ready to deal with it and address the real issue. Again, I need to learn how to do this myself if I want to train my children to have the same introspection.

It’s also helpful for me to ask myself the following two questions: 1) What is my fear/insecurity/worry saying about myself? and 2) What is my fear/insecurity/worry saying about my God? Whatever the answers are, they usually are not true. This process helps to identify the lies that I am believing and to see them as such. Sometimes the fear or worry that I have is so unfounded and ridiculous, yet so covered in “valid” emotional responses to situations. It seems really rational in the moment to be freaking out about egg roll grease, but what is that saying about myself and about my God? It says that I am not capable of creating relationships unless everything is perfect. That’s not true. The most precious relationships that I have are the result of being imperfect around others. It also says that my God can’t provide for me and has somehow forgotten about me and my situation. But He can provide! He does provide. He continues to provide, whether that be time to eat food or someone to help feed the baby while I have a conversation. And He hasn’t forgotten about me! Even with slimy-feeling residue on my face, He is in control of the situation and has me in His hands.

Psalm 65:8-10 says, “so that those who dwell at the ends of the earth are in awe at your signs.
You make the going out of the morning and the evening to shout for joy. You visit the earth and water it; you greatly enrich it; the river of God is full of water; you provide their grain, for so you have prepared it. You water its furrows abundantly, settling its ridges, softening it with showers, and blessing its growth.”

I’m learning. We are learning. It’s all a part of Family Rehab, which is shaping up to be a life-long journey. And, it’s getting personal. In and through God’s abundant water flow of provision, He is settling my ridges. He is softening my heart. He is causing me to grow.

Gratitude for cookies

November 26, 2013 — 1 Comment

This week, the girls decided to start their own baking business. They were inspired by a new 11-year old friend, who also is baking her way to the bank. I have had to set aside control of my kitchen, handing over my favorite room in the house with tightened and gripped fingers. I have been amazed at how trusting them with the kitchen has lead to greater responsibility and maturity in them. The kitchen has been covered in sugar, flour, and raw egg–no doubt! But, the girls have washed, swept, and scrubbed to return it back to the condition in which they found it. And the cookies are good… 🙂

This week of Thanksgiving break has forced me to ponder gratitude and thankfulness, as I guess it does with most folks every year. I look back at the past year and see how unthankful I have been. I see how worried I have been. I see how absent the lenses of thankfulness have been from my world view and the view of my personal circumstances.

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Man! Really? Always? Continually? In ALL circumstances?? Really?

Really. Some might call this kind of person an optimist–someone who, unlike the realist, always sees the glass half full. How, in a world with so many unsettling diseases, unstable people, and unbelievable disfunction can we possibly be told to be an optimist?

God’s will for us is to be people who are able to see the glass half full. His desire for us is that we see through the frames of gratitude the things to be thankful for in the midst of even the least ideal of circumstances. Some might ask: “How can I be thankful when my body is being destroyed by a raging cancer?” “How can I be thankful when I’ve lost my job and can’t provide for my family?” “How can I be thankful when my spouse has been unfaithful?” “How can I be thankful when the world is full of failing governments, dying people, and starving children?” God’s will is not for us to be blissfully ignorant in these circumstances. He does not want us to ignore them either. He gives us good things to which we can cling and a hope in a better tomorrow. He gives us the strength to see the things of this world and offer a help and a hope.

Only in Christ Jesus do we see something to be thankful for in light of poverty, hunger, and genocide. It is only in Christ, that we are able to find the light in a dark, dark world. It is only because of God’s will for me in Christ Jesus that I have a hope to be freed from all of it. God’s plan in sending His Son to this wretched earth was to set me free from all wretchedness. He conquered death on the cross to set me free from all the death and destruction around me today. If I don’t believe this, I don’t have reason to be thankful in the worst of circumstances. Because let’s be honest: there is a lot of hurt and sorrow and pain in this world.

I am reminded of a song by All Sons and Daughters. Here are the lyrics:

When the pieces seem to shatter
To gather off the floor
And all that seems to matter
Is that I don’t feel you anymore
No I don’t feel you anymore
I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You’re still holding
The whole world in Your hands
I need a reason to sing
When I’m overcome by fear
And I hate everything I know
If this waiting lasts forever
I’m afraid I might let go
I’m afraid I might let go
I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You’re still holding
The whole world in Your hands
I need a reason to sing
Will there be a victory
Will You sing it over me now
Your peace is the melody
You sing it over me now
Oh Lord
I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You’re still holding
The whole world in Your hands
That is a reason to sing

Thankfulness is not easy. Gratitude does not come without a conscience decision, even for the Christian. Reminding ourselves of what we know to be truth–the pursuit that our loving God has for us, the plan of His redemption for this world, the faithfulness of His provision and sovereignty, and the promise of His return. We need to be reminded that He has the whole world in His hands.

Because I DO believe that Jesus was born of a virgin (which is crazy) and I DO believe that He grew up and performed miraculous signs and wonders (which is weird) and I DO believe that He died on a cross only to come back to life in three days (which is insane)–I also believe that there is a future hope and a day when He will come again and make all things new. (It takes faith in that which the world sees as foolishness.) I have hope in His return. I also have hope in His promises. I have hope in His character. I have hope in His love. I have hope in a God who is relational and living and isn’t just a mythical creature locked in the words of a book on a shelf. He is ALIVE. He is breathing. He is moving. He is working to bring the whole world to a knowledge of Him. His will is to know me and love me and serve me. His will is know, love, and serve the hurting, the weak, and the tired. His work in me and His compassion channeled through my heart gives me opportunity to also be a ray of light in this dark, dark world.

So, I can “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” (Romans 12:12) I can trust the God I believe in. He gives me the power to be thankful in all circumstances, because of the hope He sets before me in Jesus. I can turn over all worries and concerns for the future in prayer to Him. I can hand over the kitchen. I can trust His responsible maturity. I can look forward to sweet things to come out of it.

I sing a little song to Judah every time he goes to sleep for a nap or for the night. Today as I sang it to him, I thought about the words and applied them to my need for gratitude. They speak truth into my worry about the future. It’s an old hymn that my first grade teacher made us sing every morning in school:

I am Jesus’ little lamb,
Ever glad at heart I am;
For my Shepherd gently guides me,
Knows my need, and well provides me,
Loves me every day the same,
Even calls me by my name.

Day by day, at home, away,
Jesus is my Staff and Stay.
When I hunger, Jesus feeds me,
Into pleasant pastures leads me;
When I thirst, He bids me go
Where the quiet waters flow.

Who so happy as I am,
Even now the Shepherd’s lamb?
And when my short life is ended,
By His angel host attended,
He shall fold me to His breast,
There within His arms to rest.

It’s simple truth found in this song that reminds me to be thankful. I am forever grateful for a teacher who embedded those words into my mind and heart. I can be a happy, care-free little lamb, when I acknowledge the presence of my Good Shepherd.

The reality is that I have much to be thankful for. I have a God who provides for me daily and calls me by name. I have a family that loves me and cares for me. I have a faithful husband who loves Jesus and seeks to show me how much Jesus loves me through the ways that he cares for me. I have four children in whom I delight and find much joy. I have had the opportunity to set aside everything to be with them and undergo “family rehab.” I have girls who now love to bake and clean.

I have a warm house. I have a refrigerator full of food. I have clean water. I have too many clothes, too many shoes…too many cookies.

I have a community around me that seeks to love and serve each other. They love Jesus and live in His grace. They share that grace with me and the rest of the body. My family at The Well understands trusting Jesus and His mercies. They don’t work for His love–they rest in it. They get it. They understand having a future hope. They understand thankfulness in all circumstances.

I have much to be thankful for. I have much to rejoice about. I have genuine gratitude that my God has given me new life in Him. I have freedom. I have grace. I have forgiveness. I have hope. I have cookies.

Early Abstinence and Dragons

November 19, 2013 — 1 Comment

Early Abstinence: can be the toughest stage to cope with because of many factors, including continued withdrawal symptoms, physical cravings, psychological dependence and a host of triggers that can tempt you into a relapse.

I think we have finally made it through stage 2 of our Family Rehab: “Early Abstinence.” We have struggled with the occasional “fall off the wagon” ending up in the high-pace race to worldly success. Whether educational success, “spiritual” success, or behavioral success, anytime we ended up frantically reaching for goals that were deceptively laced in fear, we knew we had slipped into old habits and addictions. Now, here we are, I believe, exiting “Early Abstinence” and getting ready for what lies ahead.

Over the past 2 1/2 months, I have found myself on the floor in withdrawal feeling overwhelmed by the dooming presence of my failure to succeed and craving my old schedule with kids in school and daily quiet time. I have found myself physically wanting to keep our day busy with meaningless activities to merely pass the time, rather than engage with the hearts of my children. I have heard the voices in my head telling me that if I don’t have something to show by Christmas or by the end of the year for all our (my) hard work, then this was all for naught. I have lost my temper. I have declared school holidays for the sole purpose of feeding my laziness. I have forced school with a short fuse for the sole purpose of breaking God’s commandment to rest. There have been days I have gotten it all wrong–days when my priorities were all out of whack, my heart inward focused, and my strength was being sucked up from an empty well of self-ambition. Stage 2 of Family Rehab has been really, really, hard.

We live in a world–in an American society, rather–that so heavily speaks against all that Jesus desires us to hear. We “hear” that Jesus wants us to have abundant life and as Americans we try harder for a life we think we deserve. We “hear” Jesus say observe the Sabbath, and we rush the kids to bed so we can flip on the TV for a dramatic escape to rest. We “hear” Jesus say children are a blessing, and we find a way to manage them rather than love them. All these words from Jesus get drowned out by the words of the world. There are temptations to “relapse” everywhere. Especially, when as Americans we have most likely grown up in a fast-paced success-driven world, retraining the heart and the mind to break free from that mold is an overwhelming task. It is so much easier to just conform to the rest of the world around us. It’s so much easier to worry about money, success, schedule, education– ALL of it, instead of trusting Jesus with it. I often think, if I could just see Jesus sitting at our dinner table, if I could just audibly hear Jesus saying, “I’ve got this!”, then I think it would be so much easier to trust Him. But that’s not faith…

As Stage 2 of Family Rehab is rounding out, I am certain that the same struggles to trust His voice will be there tomorrow. Once an addict, always an addict, right? Maybe the worldly voices, the temptations, and the desire to take the easy “faithless” way out will always be there. But I don’t believe I am destined to live a life addicted to the ways of the world. Jesus lives in me. The old addict, who was always “jones-ing” to “keep up with the Jones” has been buried with Christ, and a new person has been raised with Him. Jesus tells me that I am a new creation.

Romans 12:2 says, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” I could think of no better way to sum up “Early Abstinence.” Family Rehab isn’t about stopping an addiction to drugs or alcohol. Our Family Rehab is about pulling away from the ways of the world for a year to renew our minds. It has been a process, through an abstinence of worldy things, of understanding and identifying where and how we even do conform to the ways of this world. We have been too engrained and trained by this world that we don’t even know or realize how much we have conformed to it.

Today the girls were working with clay. They were very determined to handcraft some dragon pets. Unlike them, I don’t know much about dragons. Apparently, there are books about different kinds of dragons. Helen’s dragon, for instance had huge ears, which made it a “listening dragon.” It was all very cute. They spent nearly 5 hours, from lunch to dinner, at the table crafting their dragons with such purpose and patience. When the clay wasn’t too dry, or too wet, it did a descent job of keeping it’s shape. When the clay was too dry, it was brittle and would easily break. It couldn’t be worked with at all. But when the clay was too wet, leaving the dragons untouched for an extended amount of time resulted in droopy dragons. The clay started to melt into the surface of the table–flat and shapeless. The dragons needed to be reshaped, remolded into the thing their creators wanted them to be. In order for those dragons to remain dragons and eventually dry into bone-hard dragons, they had to go under continual tweaking and pushing and pinching.

God in His mercy and love also created us out of clay. Why? Because to Him we are as fascinating and enjoyable as dragons are to my daughters. Dragons are not of this world. They are fanciful and fantastic. They breath fire. They are big beasts that fly and glide through the air. They bring joy to little girls and little boys alike. They are just plain cool. Today, those dragons were created to not just provide fun for my girls, they were a display of Ava and Helen’s artistic creativity and talent. Similarly, God designed us to model His glory. We were created out of love with the purpose to glorify Him. But sometimes the clay is too hard. Sometimes we don’t see a need to be anything but clay. We have hardened hearts that refuse to let anyone, let alone God, shape and mold us into something other than what we think we should be.

And then there are those of us who are wet clay. We want to be molded. We want to be shaped, so much so, that we dive into so much that we are wet with how-to books, 12-steps to happier lives, and all the influential stuff of the world. We can’t seem to separate the molding hands of the Father from the shaping hands of the world. We can’t decipher the Truth from the facts of life and worldly success. We are so interested in becoming what we “think” we are supposed to be, that we are not patient with the Father and His timing. A potter adds water to soften clay and make it pliable, but that is the Potter’s job. Outside of His timing, we have drenched ourselves in our own plans and our own desires that we can’t keep shape on our own. We start to melt and conform to the flat and shapeless goals and ideals of the world around us. He desires us to be dragons! He wants us to be fantastic and fanciful! He has a vision for us that includes breathing FIRE!

Thank goodness He keeps coming back to our droopy dragon tails. When the temptations of the world encourage us to “relapse” into our previous clay bondage, He comes to us in a very intimate and loving way to push and pinch. Sometimes, it’s not comfortable. But He sees in His mind’s eye the finished product. He sees soaring wings taking powerful and dramatic flight. He keeps tweaking and touching until we are able to stand firm in His truth, in our identity as His creation, and in our purpose to glorify Him.

We have been wet, slouching dragons during “Early Abstinence.” We were eager and excited to learn and be transformed. We took on a lot of change under our own power and vision. As we sit and dry out, getting pinched and pushed, we are learning that the Potter is to be trusted. He has a vision to mold us beyond our eager set-aside Family Rehabilitation. I am learning that to set aside the voices of this world and listen to His voice is key. During this time of rehab, abstaining from what the world tells us is important, good, and meaningful allows us to be able to even recognize and hear the Truth coming from Jesus. Putting aside my ambition to let Jesus do with me whatever He wills is what sobriety looks like. We are in process. We are learning. We are seeing more and more everyday that our role in all this is to just sit on the shelf with trust and humility. I am learning to see ourselves next to our children on the shelf instead of trying to shape and mold them myself. Jesus knows whether they are to be “listening dragons” or something else. I can only show them through my obedience what it looks like to sit on the shelf and be okay there.

We will be tempted and tested. But through that testing, I pray that we “discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” I pray that over time, we struggle less and less to hear the voice of Jesus amidst the voices of this world. I pray that over time, with much pinching and pushing, I give up my wet clay and look more and more like a strong, powerful, fanciful and free-flying dragon. I pray that I surrender all trust to Jesus letting Him define my future and direct my steps.

1388 of 22066

September 11, 2013 — 1 Comment

School has been good. Yesterday we followed the rest of the world and worked in Starbuck’s. The girls were rather productive with their peppermint hot chocolates in hand. They not only got their work done, but they had fun looking like “professionals”- as Ava put it.

And Judah was content eating his little Gerber snacks. 🙂

Reading time went well too, with no fits. It’s something about the sound of coffee grinding, milk frothing…just makes you want to snuggle up and read. We will do it again for sure.

Work here at my desk tonight has not been so fruitful…

We purchased a new computer for Family Rehab about a month ago and just today I noticed that while I thought I had my email account adequately set up, I noticed a discrepancy today between the emails my phone alerted me of and the emails on the computer. On my phone, for instance, I have a rather important email that I would love to respond to. But, when I look on the computer to type a response, (because I’m not that great with my thumbs), I can’t find it. Well, after some clicking of setting buttons, that don’t mean a thing to me, I think I finally connected whatever satellite up there in space is holding all my emails with the computer on my desk. (Today’s technology is over my head.) The problem is that now, even though I saw for a split second my important email after I randomly came across the magic “connection” button, I still can’t seem to find it. It seems as though my email account is stuck downloading the over 20,000 emails that have been backlogging over 6+ years. Ugh.

I have a little square in the upper right hand corner of my screen that is alerting me every time an email “arrives”, regardless if I read it 97 months ago, or skipped it 1079 days ago. It’s been crazy seeing the alert: new email, followed by a name and the re: line. It’s like going through some strange time warp! I have been reminded of things and people I haven’t considered in ages, while anxiously awaiting the alert I really care about: my important email. Apparently the little box in the lower left hand corner of my screen tells me I’ve only downloaded 1388 of the 22066 emails in all. I think it will be awhile till I get to respond to that email. If you are reading this and you happen to be awaiting an email from me…don’t hold your breath.

Seeing all the names and topics, events and groups fly by in that little ‘You’ve got Mail’ box has brought to the surface all kinds of emotions which are rather distracting me from my frustration at not getting to my current mail. I’ve got responses coming in to a 4-year-old birthday invite for my now almost 10 year old daughter. I’ve seen names of old college friends I haven’t touched base with in apparently 5-6 years. I’ve been reminded about friends who were in the hospital, asking for prayers, and friends who were in the hospital bringing babies into this world. I am getting notifications that pay stubs have been sent for money that was spent along time ago. Quite a bit has happened over 22, 066 emails. There is joy, grief, anxiousness, and relief all contained in those emails, and even some indifference.

(update: 3778)

When thinking about all those different people and events, it’s overwhelming to remember all the ways that God has shown his mighty hand in my life. Even in the very difficult, not so fun times, now in hindsight, I see that God was working good for me. This particular email that I really want to respond to possibly opens the door to a new and exciting adventure. It’s something I never even imagined for myself, but something that it seems, as of late, God has in store for me. I’ve been following Him in this direction and not seeking things on my own, for years in fact. I’ve been intentionally walking down a path He has seemed to lay out for me at a snail’s pace, just to ensure it was Him at work and not anything of my own. And even though leading up to this moment I have had an almost forgetful attitude at times, with no expectations, now…I cannot wait one more downloading minute for my email.

update: 5565… looks like my siblings and I are trying to settle on a theme for the 2009 white elephant Christmas exchange… (I know how it turns out, and it was good.)

Our memory verse for this week seems to have wonderful timing yet again. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.” I have got to trust Him with whatever lies ahead, even if it means I have to wait days before responding to that email. If I do indeed have to wait that long, I can trust that His timing and providence is still at work. I can use this time of remembering the past 6 years of life through email alerts as a way of acknowledging Him and all the ways He has cared for me and loved me, especially through the really rough stuff.

It reminds me of the sermon this past Sunday that asked the question: What is the purpose of life? This email I am anxious to respond to seems to give me a new “purpose” in life. But really, as my hubby so nicely summed it up on Sunday, my purpose is to glorify God. I can do that by acknowledging what He has done in my life in the past, what He is doing today by delaying my response to that email, and what He will do through me in any and every new opportunity set before me. He is the orchestrator of life: all those new babies, and all those funerals. He has granted every provision: every birthday and every pay check. He has and will continue to inspire and give purpose to even the moments of indifference. There is nothing I can do without Him, for it is Him at work within me.

update: 7756… and counting.

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