My Words and My Rhythm

August 14, 2014 — Leave a comment

Well, today it’s back to the grind. We just wrapped up a week and a half of vacation…glorious, glorious vacation.

There were numerous moments during this furlough that renewed my spirit and challenged my heart. This was more than a break on the beach with a margarita in hand…although I’m not denying that happened. This trip will forever stand out in my mind as very transformative. And, so, in true “life after rehab” fashion, I feel as though I need to intentionally ponder and reflect on the meaningful moments, so that I can treasure them in my heart and share them with you.

However, as I open up the computer today after the long hiatus, I struggle to find my words and my rhythm. I sat on the beach last week and actually read a book from cover to cover. It was amazing. Not only was having the freedom, time, and ability to read a whole book without interruption amazing, but the content of the book I chose has also left me somewhat speechless. Ann Voskamp’s one thousand gifts has been so enlightening and transforming. If you haven’t read it, please do. It is worth every minute of your time. The combination of her poetic prose and down-to-earth writing is a humbling joy to read. There is no way I could ever write in such a masterful way. It is truly amazing. In her book, she writes of her own revelations on thankfulness and recognizing God’s gifts in the every day. It has made me realize how much I neglect the sacrament of thanksgiving and how often the Bible speaks of its’ importance. I feel as though there is a whole undiscovered path to joy whose trail head I have been aimlessly walking past. I am anxious to unearth more of “eucharisteo”, as I have been inspired by Voskamp’s own hunt.

The “sleuthing” that she refers to–this treasure hunt for the things to be thankful for–urged me to seek God and His blessings during our vacation. I found myself swooning over tiny sand-dwelling creatures and huge panoramic views of slate blue sky meeting shimmering crystal waves. I stumbled upon restfulness, with my eyes closed and ears focused on the hush of the waves, the rhythm of their meter, rocking my soul to peacefulness. I can’t really explain it, but as I sat still and took in some of the amazing sights and sounds around me, I felt as though I was being wooed my the Creator, reminded of His serenading love.

Voskamp is on to something here…and it’s more than “positive thinking.” In counting my blessings, I am forced to not merely count, but to consider them, and the Giver who gives them to me. I am forced to be still and know that He is God. I see how big He is and how infinitely small I am. That doesn’t really fit the criteria of American dream setting and the “do what makes you happy” kind of joy in which we are encouraged to partake. Being small–knowing my mortality–these are not “positive” thoughts. All things will come to an end…including me. Reminding myself that I don’t have control over anything in my life sounds like depressing pessimistic water-cooler talk. But in actually seeing the God I believe in, feeling His endless pursuit of me in the form of beauty, and knowing that He is bigger and grander than me, I am fueled by a humble peace, a sure contentment, and a deeper, more satisfying joy than simply seeing the glass half-full.

This kind of detective work requires sitting at the private investigator desk searching through files of evidence. It takes time and intentionality, which eerily sounds like the slow process of Family Rehab. My journey to restore family and home isn’t done. Jesus is restoring my heart–my joy. Life After Rehab looks less like returning to normalcy with all the appropriate sobriety tools gained from being secluded in a rehab facility and more like continued study and rehabilitation with the distractions of everyday life now being added into the mix. I still have so much to learn. And as Voskamp also mentions, learning takes practice, practice, practice.

In addition to reading books, Paul and I had the opportunity to watch a documentary entitled, Holy Ghost. (You can watch the trailer here: http://www.holyghost.wpfilm.com). The whole movie was guided by the Holy Spirit. “What the what!?!?!,” you say? No plans were made, except ones that were the result of ‘inner voice’ urgings or visions. As a “conservative” Lutheran, some of the conversations recorded in the street scenes, in which the Holy Spirit was called upon to send a physical sensation through a person’s body, were a little wild. But, honestly, it was no more untamed than what we read about in the book of Acts. The movie features such celebrities as Lennie Kravitz, Brian Welch, and Fieldy from Korn. As I watched people step out in faith, taking risks, and even entering into places that are dangerous for Christians, I again was struck by how intentionality and stillness were key in seeing all that God had in store for them. How can one discern the voice of the Holy Spirit if they are not still enough to focus their hearts and minds to intentionally hear Him?

I think about all the practicing I do. I consider all the rehearsing that goes on in my mind. I add up all the time spent mulling over the lies of the world that tell me I’m not enough or of any value without the perfect body, successful children, or tons of money. I compute all the energy and time I’ve spent repeating the same failures or hurtful behaviors. What am I learning? What am I teaching myself? How much of the life-giving lawn of truth am I repeatedly treading worn down paths of lies over its’ surface? What opportunities have I lost in the meantime? What holy risks have I avoided or squashed because I was busy in the practice of listening to another’s voice? What routines, patterns, and new trails have disabled my senses from hearing God’s audible voice? What amount of blind ignorance has limited my vision for His kingdom, His glory, and my ultimate joy?

Jesus says in John 14:26, “But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.”

“Life After Rehab” might as well be called “practice”. I haven’t yet learned. I need training. I need the Holy Spirit to teach me. Sometimes it will be hard. Sometimes it will bear fruit that I could never have imagined. My prayer is that I am teachable, moldable, and pliable. My prayer is that my senses are so overwhelmed with the Spirit that I can’t help but walk in unabashed gratitude and risk. Life is about to get busy and hectic with school and work. I pray that I find the words of the Spirit in the midst of the mayhem (that they fill me with truth and with holy pomptings) and the rythym of His grace, blessing, and spontaneity in the mundane (that it moves me into new depths of sobering joy).

Life After Rehab: Step 7…

July 22, 2014 — Leave a comment

Well, we have finally made it to step 7 of our seven-step Life After Rehab series. Thanks for stickin’ through it. 🙂

Step 7: Stay Alert for Signs of Relapse.

“According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, addiction is a chronic illness, and as a result, 40 to 60 percent of people who have an addiction relapse at least once. This doesn’t mean that addiction treatment isn’t effective, but it does mean that people with addictions will need to amend their lives and be on alert if they’d like to keep the problem from coming back full force. For starters, they might need to know where a relapse, for them, begins. For some, it’s a feeling of sadness or loss. For others, it’s a sensation of happiness or invincibility. These thoughts swirl and swirl, growing stronger and stronger, until a relapse takes place. Capturing and identifying the thought is the key to stopping the relapse. When those thoughts are in place, the person can go back to therapy, visit a sober friend, catch a meeting, or otherwise deal with the issue and stop the cycle. Friends and family members might also be helpful here, as they might also know what a relapse looks like and how it typically starts. They can’t be expected to step in and stop a relapse from taking place, but they can speak up and speak out when they sense trouble, and this might be the prompt that pushes the person to find more intensive treatment” (http://www.michaelshouse.com).

Jesus said, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor” (Luke 4:18-19). Jesus came to set us free from the bondage of our sin. Our chronic condition has been completely healed on the cross. We have that freedom at our fingertips but we so often, like the addict, don’t amend our lives to the entirety of His teachings and His grace, nor faithfully remain on alert for attacks on our freedom. The enemy wants us to think we are still enslaved to sin–that what Jesus did on the cross wasn’t enough or didn’t take. We, like the addict, often don’t catch the little things that lead us to a relapse of the flesh–those things that lead us to strap ourselves back to the chains of bondage.

Feelings of sadness, loss, and invincibility can lead even the most “put-together” Christians down a path of destruction. “Capturing and identifying” as mentioned above for the addict are also key to resisting sin and it’s hold on us. In 2 Corinthians 10:5, Paul instructs fellow believers in Jesus that the battle we fight is not of the flesh but of a divine nature. He tells us to “hold captive every thought.” This means that with every feeling and thought we have, we need to take hold of it, identify it, and then use Christ’s standards to evaluate it. Without this process, our emotions and thoughts can become a swirling river of untamed beliefs and assumptions that guide our behavior and decisions in a destructive way. It’s Satan’s last ditch effort to pull us away from the freedom we have in Christ. Again, this is where a community of Christ-followers and sober-minded friends and mentors is key to survival. There will be times when we are so far gone down the river of frustration, guilt, fear, self-righteousness, doubt, and selfishness that we need others to recognize and identify for us what’s going on. We will need others to pull us out, dry us off, and call us out on our erroneous thinking or behaving. We will need others to speak gentle truths to us in love, reminding us of our freedom and security in Christ.

When we started this “Family Rehab” journey last year, we committed to a year of homeschool in an effort to slow our pace of living down and to reestablish our home during that time. While during the past year we have seen remarkable change in our relationships with our children and have seen them blossom in certain areas, it has not gone as expected. With our relocation, we lost at least half the school year to the mayhem of boxes and house projects. However, we have seen during a less than perfect attempt at homeschooling, positive and fruitful growth in our family, which only shows God’s faithfulness and mercy.

I have wrestled with what lies ahead for us and school. I see the great benefits of homeschool and being with my kids every moment of the day, learning with them along the way. The flexibility of setting our own schedule has been a healing balm for our souls and our home life. There are many reasons to do homeschool again next year. However, I realize that most Americans feel that they cannot afford homeschool or that it isn’t a realistic option for them. So because the majority of the culture around me is facing the realties of parenting in the midst of our crazy fast-paced American goal-setting and success-getting culture, I find myself searching for the answers to some questions:

With the early hours, the days apart from each other, the homework, our own job-stress and expectations, and the bulging schedule, how do we still remain intentionally engaged with the hearts of our children and each other?

How do we live in our American culture, yet not submit to it–without completely pulling out of its systems?

How do we resist finding our value and worth in our success and performance when the culture around us measures us (and everything else–even our churches) by those same weighted standards?

How do we gospel-thrive in a gospel-deficiant culture?

I feel that our year of rehab helped us to rest and hit the reset button. While nowhere near completion, I believe that I have grown in my trust of Jesus and am merely starting to learn what it means to unabashedly move to the gentle whispers of His Spirit, even if He leads me to do something a little bit crazy. I hope that my family is also learning this kind of discernment. I think our freshly rested souls and our post-rehab perspectives encourage us to engage in these kinds of cultural questions. Because of this, (along with some other reasons I can discuss later), we are looking at putting the kids in school next year. Having said that, we are waiting for clear direction from the Lord as to where and if this is truly what is best for our family in this season. There might be a chance that God says we are not ready and need another year of rehab. We might see that we need to “go back to therapy” because we are closer to relapse than we realize. There is a chance that we enter the school system only to pull out again in a year or two. As counter-culture and as counter-Angie as it is, I am trying not to set a 5-year plan and outline the future. We have seen God work in ways that go beyond our plans and, in fact, frustrate our plans. So, we are intentionally not setting any or forming strong biases in the area of education. So many benefits lie in all forms of education, and I believe those differing benefits can be taken advantage of for different seasons.

No matter where our children’s education takes place, this next year will look different. Instead of focusing on a year of rehabilitation, we will focus on applying the things we have learned to our new and crazy fast-paced life. I am sure we will struggle to stay grounded and will have to resist getting swept up in the things of this world. But we will use these helpful steps and trust in Jesus to be sovereign and carry us through. We will rely on those sober-minded friends and family members to pull us from paths or cycles leading to relapse.

We will continue to share our story with you (see blog posts on steps 5 and 6) as we enter Life After Rehab. I invite you to share your stories with me. My prayer is that we will remind each other over the next year that we have all been rehabilitated, restored, renewed and revived in Jesus. His work is complete in us. Let us hold fast to His word and cling to His promises–who He is and who we are in Him. When things start to look more like the world and less like Jesus, let’s hold each other up to the truths found in His deep relentless love. Our performance doesn’t change the work He did on the cross. Our falling off the wagon doesn’t change or take away His victory over sin and eternal death. We get to continue in the joy and freedom found in what He has rehabilitated–what He has restored. We all have new health and life in Him. We all are in life after rehab…let’s support one another and live it together.

We are working on a better format for the sharing of your stories. In the meantime, please share in the comment section. We’d love to be encouraged by what God is doing in your life and support you where you are struggling to see His presence.

An abundance of Water

October 30, 2013 — Aside — 1 Comment

Life has been crazy! There is just no other way to say it, and yet it feels so understated and overstated all at the same time. The raccoon has had ear infection after ear infection. Last week, I attended a worship conference and was out-of-pocket at home. Our weekends have been packed with all kinds of stuff and so the school week has been more recovery time than school time. I have to remind myself that’s one of the reasons we are in Family Rehab–to recover.

A few weeks ago, Paul and the kids planted some grass seed in the backyard. We have been in this house for a year, and finally, we got around to planting some seeds in the dirt wasteland of our sad backyard. As luck (or God) would have it, the next day after sowing the seed, it rained. It rained twelve inches. The backyard was a swamp and those seeds were now floating and riding the flash flood waters. As the water receded over the next couple of days and the sun eventually dried things out, we were amazed to see where new bright green grass was growing–in the front yard, next to the street curb and even across the street! I began to wonder if the water could have defied gravity by flowing uphill in some areas. It was amazing. Cullen Country can thank the Goeke’s for supplying the block with some new grass.

Now, in the backyard, there was only a little grass growing under the hammock. There was still a lot of dirt after our seeds had been displaced by the storms. So, Paul went back to the store and sent the kids back out to sow. The bluish-green seed sprayed against the muddy dirt did not look very promising to me. And would you know it? The next day, it rained again.

Today, as I look outside the window into the backyard, I actually see more bright green grass than dusty dry earth. The second rain was just enough to soak the seed and nourish it, rather than send it to the neighbors. Thank goodness. When that second round of rain hit, we were sure we had wasted more money on seed.

All of this has reminded me of the parable of the sower. So I went to the book of Matthew and read it again for a quick refresher, and this time, there were a few things that stuck out to me. When Jesus tells this parable, He is sitting in a boat close to the shore. This is interesting to me to think about the scenery as He was talking. It sounds similar to the scenery of my water-logged backyard–water everywhere, no grass, just sand and dirt. Why in this seascape setting, does Jesus talk about sowing seeds? He told many parables throughout the 3 years of His ministry and on many occasions His “lessons” were hands-on, or used the setting or situation He and His disciples were in. It’s at least interesting as I read the story now, in light of our floating seed that He told His parable in the abundance of water. (Hold on to that thought.)

He goes on to tell how the sower scattered the seed on different types of soil–the path, rocky ground, thorns, and good soil. The seeds didn’t thrive due to birds and the plants didn’t survive due to shallow soil, the scorching sun, or the choking weeds. Nowhere does Jesus mention torrential downpour. So, I start to think that there is no lesson to be learned from our deep-shade-grass-seed and our abundance of water.

Then it hit me–abundance of water. The issue with our seed, was not a disparaging soil situation. The issue with our seed was an abundance of water. We have good soil in the backyard, and apparently in the front yard, across the street, and up the mounds of construction dirt nearby. The seed was having no issue taking root, being eaten by woodland creatures, or being overrun by thorny bushes. The seed was thriving–just in the wrong place! Or, should I say, in the wrong place according to me.

God’s divine plan goes outside the fenced boundaries of my backyard goals and desires. He has given me seed to plant–the story of His love. He wants me to sow without discretion–to spill over with blue-green Gospel. He doesn’t want me to worry about how much money has been spent on seed, because His supply is endless. If I am faithful with the seed He provides, He does the work of sending it where it should go. On the floodwaters of His Holy Spirit, He carries anything that I have to offer, to the places and people He wants it to go. There is a lot of good soil out there. There are a lot of people with hearts that ache and yearn to be unconditionally loved. The question for me, the lesson for me, is am I willing to let God take His Gospel where He wills it?

The seed we planted was genetically altered and manufactured to grow in deeply shaded areas like our backyard. It was designed to grow where the sunshine is weak and light is scarce. But, God moved that seed into the bright areas of the street, where there is virtually no shade, no cover. I like to think that God has created me with specific talents and gifts–that I am created to sow seeds of His love in certain areas, using certain strengths and giftings that He has given me. But, what if He wants to carry me somewhere else–somewhere I feel I am not made to grow–to thrive? What if He wants to carry me across personal boundaries into areas that don’t provide cover from things that could potentially scorch me? What if He wants me to be uncomfortable and away from my hammock of preference?

I am, after all, His little seed in a wide scattering of His people. I am, after all, created not just with a genetic disposition towards certain styles of growth or purpose. I am created with the overarching purpose to serve Him, to glorify Him, to sow seeds of the Gospel for Him. I am created foremost, above all else, to love Him and seek Him. We love because He first loved us. And so, I love Him and the people around me, in response to all He has done for me. I freely give Him my life, my devotion, my control. I say “freely” not because it’s easy to do so, but because I don’t “owe” Him anything. He gave His life for me not so that I would be indebted to Him to do what He wills. He gave His life for me freely, and so I give all that I have to Him freely.

Even though it is hard to put aside my own plans for a lush backyard oasis, with a hammock, some shade, and the occasional margarita, I can trust that what He has for me, where He moves me with His Holy Spirit, comes from the same love that provided me with all that I currently have. If He loves me enough to give up His heavenly oasis, to come to a dirt-filled wasteland, on my behalf, He loves me enough. He gave up a heavenly throne, to be a king that was mocked and spit upon. He gave up His righteousness, to die for my sinfulness. He gave up so much of His divine giftings and talents for me. All so I could have access to an abounding source of grace–a sower’s seed bag overflowing with grace. There is so much that it can be spread over and over again, after sin-filled flood after flood, and take root in my heart time and time again. His grace is unending. His love unfailing. His mercy everlasting. If He wills through the waters of His Holy Spirit to push me up mounds of dirt, defying the laws of physics–my self-written laws and limitations of my personal capabilities–then I can remember that His grace is sufficient. His provision to give me deep fertile soil will not go away.

Back to an abundance of water…(still holding that thought?) He does not leave me. In the same way that there was an abundance of water as He told the parable from that boat, and in the same way, that there was an abundance of rain on our drought-forsaken land, He pours an abundance of the Holy Spirit onto every situation. He doesn’t command me to scatter seed and then turns His face from me. He provides the guidance of the Holy Spirit. It might be rocking my boat at times. It might be carrying my plans down the street and out of my control. But He doesn’t leave me. His Spirit is not just an all-consuming force that changes my plans. His Spirit allows new things to grow and thrive. His Spirit provides direction for new paths and plans, that I would have never imagined on my own.

As Jesus was telling the crowds the parable of the sower, He sat in a boat that was floating on abundance. Most likely, as the people listened to Him talking about seeds and thorns and dirt, they weren’t thinking about the need for water to make a seed grow. But, we all know water is necessary in the process of seed germination. Most likely, the people were not looking at Jesus on the water, and seeing the abundance that sat before them–the never-ending supply of salvation and restoration found in Jesus. He was watering them with the “secrets of heaven”. When the disciples asked Jesus why He spoke in parables, this was His answer:

“To you it has been given to know the secrets of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it has not been given. For to the one who has, more will be given, and he will have an abundance, but from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away. This is why I speak to them in parables, because seeing they do not see, and hearing they do not hear, nor do they understand. ”

Not everyone in the crowd understood that Jesus indeed was their Savior. Not everyone who saw Him in the boat that day, understood that right there, in front of them, was grace overflowing. I don’t always see the water over the plans of my heart as grace abundant and provision of the Holy Spirit. I don’t always get it. I don’t always understand what Jesus is explaining and how He is moving. But, occasionally, I do see that His overwhelming flood waters that stir up my backyard plans, are providing growth opportunities in unexpected areas. I see the movement in His kingdom and the power of His love being revealed to people who don’t ever step foot into my backyard. He doesn’t long for any of us to stay in the dark. He wants us all to know Him and to receive the abundance that He has for us. We all need Him. We all need his unconditional love. Whether we admit it or not, we all desire to understand it–to get it.

“Blessed are your eyes for they see, and your ears, for they hear. Truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. Hear then the parable of the sower: When anyone hears the word of the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what has been sown in his heart. This is what was sown along the path. As for what was sown on rocky ground, this is the one who hears the word and immediately receives it with joy, yet he has no root in himself, but endures for a while, and when tribulation or persecution arises on account of the word, immediately he falls away. As for what was sown among thorns, this is the one who hears the word, but the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and it proves unfruitful. As for what was sown on good soil, this is the one who hears the word and understands it. He indeed bears fruit and yields, in one case a hundredfold, in another sixty, and in another thirty.”

My prayer is that the seed of grace is firmly rooted in my heart, and in the hearts of those around me. I pray that I don’t miss the abundance of grace that is flooding my world, no matter how far it scatters my plans. I pray that I allow for the Holy Spirit to guide where the seeds I have been gifted with are planted, and that I willingly let them go where He wills. I pray that I trust His provision and sufficiency, that no matter where I fall, He has the power to bear fruit in and through me. I pray for those who are stuck on a path where the Truth is stolen from them. I pray for those who are living with shallow roots and falling away because things are getting hard. I pray for those who are living among the thorns of worldly success and striving for financial gain, because those things choke out the only thing that can really satisfy. I pray that God sends His flood waters to move all the deeply shaded seed to good soil–that He nurture and feed and cause new life to grow in all of us.

Dedicated to the Realists

September 30, 2013 — 1 Comment

I attended a retreat this weekend and saw lots of friends that I just haven’t seen in either a year or more. These sweet ladies of all ages are such a refreshment to my soul. Their love of Jesus and the sacrifices that they have all made for the sake of the Gospel is inspiring. Every year I look forward to spending a weekend with this “sisterhood” of women.

I sat with a very good friend who has four children of her own and is walking through the struggles that most moms of four children have–with the added component of homeschool. She was tired, frustrated, and overwhelmed. She commented on these blog posts of late and gently confessed that it was really hard to read most of my posts. She found herself comparing her experiences with mine and leaving the computer screen discouraged because what I wrote about that day seemed to be on the other end of the homeschool experience spectrum from hers. I love her so much for being honest and vulnerable with me. I know she is reading this now, so thank you, my sweet friend. I love you. I told her the next post would provide a correct view of our family rehab experience so far. Let’s be real… It has been hard. It has been tiring. It has been frustrating. It has been very overwhelming.

I confess, I think that there is a discrepancy between the desperation I feel at different points of the day and the “positive spin” at the end of most of these blog entries. It might appear that I’m not a realist. That I’m not being honest about the overwhelming feelings of failure that can cripple me. There is only one way to explain this–Jesus. This blog has been the equivalent to an empty church pew for me. Surrounded by quiet, I enter my time in front of the keyboard, with my bible in hand, the same way every time, much like I would kneel at the altar. I enter not having any answers, not having any ideas, and only carrying the burden of the day, or the funny moment that stuck in my mind.

This blog has become the designated space and time of the day that I rest in thought at the feet of Jesus. Often, I just start retelling my day, the high points and the low, and sometimes the mundane. Somewhere along the way, as I process the day in letters, words, and sentences, the promises and themes of Jesus’ love and faithfulness rise to the surface of my mind. They sit on my forehead between my wrinkled brows as I ponder and think about the day at a deeper level than if I hadn’t taken my seat in front of the sanctified computer screen. For me, there is something about having to reflect on my day with such intentionality and persistence, in order to produce a 2 minute read, that seems very appropriate for “family rehab.”

I can’t describe it, but taking the intentional time to think through even the simplest of things or the most frustrating of circumstances, helps me shape my otherwise bland or disappointing day. My day doesn’t differ from my friends’ day all that much. The details might be different, but the struggles are still the same. I am attacked with folly and failure every day. I am attacked with frustration and fatigue every hour. I am attacked with fear and fickleness towards this crazy “family rehab” every minute. It’s the time that I spend in front of a blank, white and intimidating computer screen at the end of the day that helps me gain perspective.

The process of reflecting at the end of the day and intentionally writing down what comes to mind, forces out those truths that creep up from deep within my gut and get stuck in the middle of my brow. They just sit there until the Spirit draws connections and distributes meaning. Then things start to make sense… other scripture comes to mind… and the bible gets opened and the healing words of Jesus start to wash over all that angst and frustration that I wore on my shoulders when I sat in my empty-church-pew-repurposed-computer-chair.

Jesus says in John 16:13-14, “When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come. He will glorify me, for he will take what is mine and declare it to you.” When those truths of scripture come to mind–the truths about my value resting in Jesus, the truths about my purpose resting in Jesus, the truths about my trust resting in Jesus–it is the Spirit of God, “the Helper”, Jesus calls him, that is doing exactly what Jesus promised he would do. He guides me to the truth about my day. He declares to me the things that are to come. He gives me whispers that something special is happening in this intentional time of “family rehab.” He reveals to me the glory of Jesus, reminding me of all that Jesus has done for my sake, His death in my place. He takes what Jesus says His purpose is for me, His love is for me, His endless, love-filled, pursuit is for me, and declares it to me.

I cannot type the final period without coming to a place of rest in those truths each and every time I sit down at the computer. I cannot press publish without coming to the end of my means for the day. It might seem that I have a positive spin on even the most hair-pulling, tear-filled, unproductive day, but what is happening in these blog posts is the work of the Holy Spirit on my heart. He comes and transforms my mind, heart, and soul. He pulls me out of my emotions and reminds me of the reality of His love and my identity found in Him. That’s why I type, I write, I meditate on His word. That’s why I have a relationship with a God who is living, because He’s the only God that has power that is moving and touching the depths of my gut, heart, and wrinkled brow.

Being a Christian doesn’t mean you write a blog every night to process your thoughts and feelings. But, it does mean you engage with a living, loving, and limitless God who seeks to bring joy and peace to every facet, every minute of your life. Loving Him and seeking Him, whether in a church pew, in front of a computer screen, or in the depths of your still and quiet heart, changes things. It changes everything. It renews. It refreshes. It reveals that there is more to life than what the world offers. Having that kind of God, who sends a Helper into the depths of even the most frustrating or overwhelming of days, and turns it into a deeper, more meaningful exploration of who He is, makes faith a REAL, meaningful part of life. It makes even me a realist.

Minutes gained, not lost.

September 4, 2013 — Leave a comment

Man, this is hard. I knew it would be and people warned me, but man, this is hard. Yesterday, we not only struggled to regain motivation from the long Labor Day weekend, but we ran out of M&Ms. We also had to be flexible and work around getting Gideon to and from his first day of pre-K. Our wonderful routine we grooved to so well last week was now all over the place.

I tried to be creative and planned on hitting the library after dropping him off. But the library didn’t open for another 30 minutes. So what does the Goeke family do when we need to kill some time?

Eat doughnuts.

(I’m noticing a theme here…we better be careful, or we are going to have to take the next year off to go through weight loss rehab.) And eating doughnuts is fine, but that 30 minutes could have been spent getting math done or something else.

It just seemed like the day was wasted away. And when we returned home, all the binder work seemed overwhelming because there just wasn’t enough time left in the day to get it all done. The girls were understandably upset. I had a headache. I hadn’t had breakfast or lunch for that matter. And though I didn’t realize it at the time, I spent the whole day wearing my contacts flip-flopped in the wrong eyes. To top it off, workers were outside hammering away at the neighborhood street, keeping baby Judah from sleeping during his nap time, and the house seemed to be absorbing every degree of the 100+ temperature outside.

I texted Paul at 1:50 as we left the house to get Gideon, “This is not working for me.” We had only made it through half of a folder the whole time he was gone to school. This was supposed to be our most productive time because he was going to be gone.

After we made it home, Paul and I wrestled with the reality of our world. It seems like every free moment is planned and the pace at which we frantically run to complete those plans or meet with those people is unstoppable. There has got to be a way to do life differently! Or something is going to give… and it looks like it might either be my waistline or my blood pressure that pops first.

Certainly Jesus did not need to sit down with his disciples or with his mother, Mary, and pull out his parchment scroll calendar and schedule in family time. Surely, he didn’t have to live by the “at least one evening at home” rule. He and his “family”- his disciples and all – went with him from city to city from lake to lake from crowd to crowd. When he tried to rest, he usually couldn’t. But, when he ate a meal, he reclined and lingered with every bite, investing in meaningful conversation with the people he loved at the same time. When his plans changed, he found a way to flexibly stretch and adapt.

I think the difference between how Jesus “managed” His day, and how I “manage” mine is a matter of control. Jesus was GOD. G-O-D! And yet, He surrendered his earthly control over to the whisperings and ever-changing winds of the Holy Spirit. He relied on knowing that His Father was in control and working a bigger picture for the love of ALL his people, not just His Son. Man, if I worked from that knowledge and trust- that God is working for ALL his people, not just me and my plans, I might view having to waste an extra 30 minutes eating doughnuts, as gaining an extra 30 minutes of time with my girls talking. Or gaining an extra 30 minutes of time investing in the doughnut shop lady. (not just gaining a pound or two) If I listened to the urgings of the Spirit, even when those winds seemingly blow against the flow of my plan, I might end up in a bigger, deeper, and wider river of His blessing. Ugh…Man, I want to emotionally and spiritually “get it” through my thick-skinned heart, and hard-headed brain!

So, after rationalizing putting some folders off until the next day, and giving the kids free-time to play, Paul and I talked and prayed. Our schedules have not lightened up, our home project list has not dwindled, and our clocks have not miraculously gained 4 more hours. But what did happen was a something that went on our “Count Your Blessings” Chart.

After the kids were in bed I went to put up our new bible verse for the week…which we all together skipped earlier that morning. See, I just have the location of the verses written in my planner. So I’m not always familiar with what the verse is until I look it up to write on the board. And when I saw the words that Jesus had for us that morning, that I didn’t even take the time to hear, I was humbled and grateful all at the same time.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” If only I had that on my heart and mind when the baby was crying and pulling on my hair in a hot house while the girls found every distraction possible to avoid doing their math. That was NOT what was on my mind…I really shouldn’t write what was on my mind.

And so, I was reminded that Jesus does live in me, and that it is Him living in me that works out His strength in me. I may have missed it in the morning, but I was willing to take heed to it last night. I spent time being thankful for the change in plans. For seeing those moments as minutes gained, not lost. I found the strength (from Jesus) to make some monkey bread for the morning so as to allow for a slower more well-prepared pace and to make sure we made time for our bible study before anything else.

Another blessing that seemed to come out of nowhere was that while the kids got ready for bed, I was able to fully prepare the school work for the next day, and Paul was able to do a long awaited and much needed household project. By 8:30, all the kids were in bed, our work was done, and we got a chance to talk and connect in good quality time. That hasn’t happened in a very long time. Somehow, our prayers from earlier were answered at least for that day. Our lives were not immediately transported to a deserted tropical island with no responsibilities or cares. (I did silently pray for that in my head.) Nor did we receive a million dollar check from Publisher’s Clearing House. But for those few hours yesterday, life slowed down and without much effort of our own.

This morning, as the girls copied the verse from the chalk board to their notecards, I told them about my thoughts and feelings yesterday. How the crazy day made me feel like there was no way I could do homeschooling. And how this verse, even late at night after a day of discouragement, had been able to give me strength to make monkey bread. 🙂 And that today we can get more done with Jesus than we can plan to get done on our own. What we get done might look different, but if it’s done because the Spirit has lead us there and our hearts and actions have glorified God in the process, than it’s minutes gained, not lost.

update on today: it’s already 11:31 and we are still working on folder number 2. We’ve had snack time and recess… and lunch is right around the corner. We have 4 more folders to make it through and now the supply of chocolate chips has also drastically dwindled in an effort to make “taking away” in subtraction a little more tasty. Knowing that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” doesn’t perform a miracle and make everything better. But, it does transform my heart and mind and renew my spirit. Jesus is still good and lives in me. We will be ok. 🙂

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