Family rehab

a dramatic neurotic basket-case, but safe

February 6, 2014 — Aside — Leave a comment

So I have realized that I have been rather dramatic lately.  Dramatic in my writing, dramatic in my processing, and even dramatic in my cleaning.  Just the other day, Paul and I were frantically cleaning every inch of the house to get it ready to go on the market.  I definitely had a strategy to my madness.  I was working from one end of the house to the other.  There were flowers on the table that were ready to be pruned and picked down and redistributed to a smaller vase.  My plan was to attack that when I literally got to it on the table in my evenly horizontal sweep of the room.  Even though it wasn’t as high a priority as the dirty dishes in the sink it made sense to me to work in this way.  When my mental red line, that divided the half of the room that was done from the half that was undone, reached the vase, it was time to deal with the flowers.  I did the same when I came to a bowl of small oranges.  Some needed to be discarded and some could be saved and arranged into something that would look pretty.  Having the citrus arrangement wasn’t on the to-do list from our realtor.  But it made sense to me that when I got to the bowl, taking care of the oranges at that moment was just the next thing to do.  This didn’t make a whole lot of sense to Paul and he gently suggested that maybe I not get distracted on the things that weren’t top priority.  I did not respond well.  I really let it get the best of me and my cleaning all of a sudden became an emotional, personally defining thing.  It was a lot of drama.   I couldn’t really understand myself and all this emotion.  Our lives have been crazy and I have been storing a ton of emotions right underneath the surface of my skin, but haven’t even had the time to recognize that they are there.

So here I am, sitting in front of my computer—my church bench of perspective.  I have been absent from attending this place with the Father.  I have avoided it’s hard and cold form—it’s intimidating blank white screen.  I have kept myself busy with obligations and hurriedness to keep from feeling the things I hate to even consider.  How often do we hide from the One who knows all.  It’s so silly and foolish.  So here I am…let’s get it over with.  I’m ready to feel it all, to finally process all the change that’s ahead of me.  Let’s strip back the skin and peel off the layers to uncover where all that drama is coming from.

My first emotion is sadness.  We have been in Buda for close to 8 years.  It is the longest amount of time Paul and I have lived in one place since having met back in college.  Three out of the four of our children were born in Buda and little Judah just celebrated his first birthday here.  The Well is the only church our kids know—the only church family they have ever had.  The people who visited us in the hospital at their births, witnessed their baptisms, came to birthday parties, and babysat in between—these are the people we are leaving.  The people are our community and our family.  The past 8 years we have sacrificed time, energy, finances, birthdays, anniversaries, date nights, and lots of emotional outpouring of our hearts for and with these people. They have been our purpose, our mission, and our life for the past 8 years.  We have walked through pain and suffering with each other.  We have shared in joy and celebration.  This has been a hard decision.  It’s not easy to leave all who we treasure so dearly.  This isn’t a career choice or simply changing jobs.  What is being asked of us is to relocate away from dear family and friends.  We like The Well.  We love The Well.  We genuinely like the people and have fun with them.  But God, in His gracious mercy has made it abundantly clear that the best thing for our family at The Well is to make room for new leadership and a refreshed approach.  It is out of love for The Well that we leave.  It’s like the parent who knows that what’s best for their son or daughter is for them to go to an out-of-state university or college that offers the best program for the desired degree.  Mothers don’t want to have their children far away from them, but know that the growth and development acquired during that time of distance provides maturation, independence and a wealth of knowledge.  Then there is just the simple fact that we feel called.  We feel through the Spirit that God is asking us to go.  He is asking us if we are willing to leave our mother, father, sister and brother, to follow Him.  Following can be sad.

My second emotion is awe.  We also see how God has prepared us in our 8 years in Buda for the tasks at hand in Katy.  We have walked through our own cycles of repentance and restoration, that we have grown and matured in ways we could never have forecasted.  Living in our independence from our own works has strengthened our dependence on Jesus.  His provision, His restoration, and His vision for us has brought us to a place where it is just so obvious that we can do nothing apart from Him.  We see through this move, the same message of dependence on Him for both The Well and Crosspoint.  Jesus has so much for us.  We just have to get our idols out of the way.  Isn’t this the struggle for every believer in every situation?

In my time here in front of my blank computer screen, I’ve thought about more than just the past month of intense decision making and busyness.  There are certain times in life when we get those big-picture moments.  I had a friend in college call them “big” moments, when you somewhat separate yourself from living inside the four-walls of your skin and get a glimpse of a bigger work, a bigger picture that is being formed.  I see something being crafted over the past year and a half.

Perhaps the fact that Judah just turned one helps to put this in focus.  I think about finding out I was pregnant and the weighty feel of panic that made my heart sink.  All my dreams and plans for the next year vanished in the few seconds it took to look at that little plus-sign.  I couldn’t imagine life with four kids, with ANOTHER baby, and being “tied down” at home, yet again.  The coming of that little life caused us to sell our house and move to a different neighborhood and into a house with one more bedroom.  It was never the house of our dreams, though it suited our needs just fine.  But it was this new neighborhood and house that made it impossible to attend Buda Elementary and ultimately led us to the decision to begin “Family Rehab”.  This blog being the result of that decision, has led to other encouraging open doors, paths and relationships.  I also over the past year have completed writing and editing a book and it will (God-willing) be published later this summer.  God has done so many things this year that I didn’t see when I was panicking about diaper changing and midnight feedings.  As I look back on the year, diapers aren’t even a memory.  I honestly don’t remember any of the late nights and the struggle.  I simply see God’s hand at work to create a bigger picture.

Having the kids at home and not in school has made this move to Katy a little easier for all of us.  And I look back on the decision to do so and thank God for His foresight and knowledge and for laying it so heavily on my heart.  He knew what He was doing in order to gently care for the hearts of my children.  I could go on and on about how I see God painting a bigger picture of preparation and provision for our family in this move.  It’s just so amazing and it challenges me to trust Him during the times when I don’t see a complete big picture.

My third emotion is fear.  I really run from engaging with this emotion.  I am leaving a place where I have been able to be a pastor’s wife, a mom, and still do the things I love at the same time.  (Not that I don’t love being a wife and a mom…:)  But, I’ve enjoyed being needed beyond the home.  I’ve enjoyed being seen as having purpose outside the home.  I’ve enjoyed it to the point that it’s been a struggle for me to not be satisfied just being in the home.  I should be satisfied.  I should be content.  I should be thankful with what I have and even less.  My identity is found and secure in Jesus and all that He says I am.  I fear living this out everyday.  I don’t want to be naive and think I won’t struggle in this area.  I will.  I know I will.  And I fear the questions I will place on my identity and worth as it is challenged by responsibilities being removed.  I also look forward to having  season of rest.  But, when I’m all rested up, let’s face it: I’m going to miss being needed.  I’m going to miss the joy and fulfillment of using my gifts and talents to serve Jesus and others.  I am confident God will continue to use me.  It just might look different.  And I honestly need help to trust Him in this—to really believe He knows what is best and indeed has my good and the good of the Church in mind.

Finally, (although I’m sure there are more hidden somewhere inside) the last emotion I feel is excitement.  I have been and currently am so tired from the past 8 years.  It’s been hard work.  And I know that there is hard work coming.    I feel as though all of us, even the kids, will be able to identify what specific things God is calling us to—what things we are to focus on.  And I really do believe that whatever He reveals those things to be, we will have the ability to spend more time and energy focused on fewer things.  I really do feel like we will be able to grow because we won’t be spread so thin.  It’s exactly what my desire was for “family rehab”.  I wanted us to take away school to be intentional and focused on our family.  I feel like this move is an extension of that initial calling to rehabilitate.  I am excited to see where God takes this and what He does with it.  I’m excited to see how my children grow and are challenged.  Even though I’m fearful about all the time I will have on my hands, I’m excited to see how God molds and shapes me and draws me closer to Him.  I’m excited to see where we are going to live!  Because right now, we have no idea!

As I look back on the emotions I listed above I see something…maybe a big picture kind of something.  Out of my emotions—sadness, awe, fear, and excitement—I see that I am safe.  I might feel like I am a neurotic mess, but I am safe.  I am safe in the Father’s hands.  I am safe and secure in His plan, His purpose, and His provision.  I am covered in His love, His faithfulness, and His grace.  Now I am reminded why I started coming to this blank screen church of mine—this keyboard confessional.  In the silence of the typing keys and by the soft candle-like glow of my laptop, Jesus has met me where I am—an emotional basket-case.  He reminds me that I am safe.  I am secure.  He speaks His unwavering words to me in this time of change:

But you, Israel, my servant,
Jacob, whom I have chosen,
the offspring of Abraham, my friend;
you whom I took from the ends of the earth,
and called from its farthest corners,
saying to you, “You are my servant,
I have chosen you and not cast you off”;
fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:8-10, ESV)

Jesus said to them again, “Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, even so I am sending you.” And when he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, “Receive the Holy Spirit. (John 20:21-22, ESV)

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you. (Psalm 139:14-18, ESV)

(Sigh.) Christmas.

December 4, 2013 — Leave a comment

(Sigh).  Christmas.  The season of list-making, cookie-baking, card-writing (not that I do that one), present-bearing, and money-sucking. If I sound a bit cynical, it’s because I can very easily get all wrapped up in the craziness of the Americanized-Christmas.  The commercials that remind me that my shopping days are dwindling make me want to crawl into the corner.  The advertisements that tell me that all my loved ones are expecting the perfect gift from me produce enough anxiety and pressure to perform that I could explode like Mentos in Diet-Coke.  It’s madness.  Generosity should be a joy.  Christmas should reflect the generosity of the Father.  And even if I can’t afford to give anything to anybody, Christmas has got to reflect the pricelessness of Jesus.  He is undeniably the best gift anyone could receive this holiday.

The month of December we are taking a break from “normal” school and having “Christmas” school.  This involves quite a few things, some of which we have included in past years in a desire to create our own family traditions.  Without having to be at school, we are able to expand these traditions and also add some new things.  

In the past, we have had a paper Christmas chain.  On the inside of each strip of paper, I usually write some activity to do for that day.  Sometimes, its as simple as watch “Charlie Brown Christmas.”  Sometimes it’s a little more extravagant like ice skating or going to look at Christmas Lights.  This year, because we have more time, I am trying to incorporate more service opportunities.  We will deliver cookies to the elementary school and read some books for the kindergartners and first-graders.  We also are going to volunteer with Brown Santa.  Along with our tradition of these paper chain activities that help countdown the days to Christmas, we are adding a Christmas devotional too.  On the inside of each strip of paper is a “clue” word.  The clue word guides our bible study for the day, which is following the story of Christmas.  I am using an e-book entitled, Truth in the Tinsel.  We make an ornament that reminds us of what part of the story we read.  It’s been fun to watch the ornaments being made and know that year after year we will pull them out and be reminded of the Truth of Christmas.  The devotions and the ornaments are pretty simple and don’t take much time.

We are also studying Christmas around the World.  I am using a unit found on Confessions of a Homeschooler.  We will study nine countries and discuss their celebrations and traditional foods, trying to make a craft or cook a recipe that corresponds.  So far this week, we have talked about Christmas in Japan and China.  Since only 1% of Japanese are Christians, Christmas is a commercial event, and there really are no traditional Christmas foods.  One resource said that it’s a busy time of year with lots of gift giving and parties and that in Japan, Christmas is the busiest time of year for KFC.  (Enter my excuse to eat out.)  We got chicken from KFC and also made some traditional Soba noodles that are eaten to celebrate the New Year.  In our study of China, we talked about how populated China is, and how most of the country also doesn’t know about Jesus.  We discussed how in China, the people are not free to worship Jesus.  So most of their celebration is in regards to the New Year as well, although they still put up trees and give gifts in certain areas.  Tomorrow we will make some Chinese Knot Ornaments.  

The desire is that all these little projects and lessons will keep our hearts away from the commercialization of Christmas here at home.  I’d like to be able to tell my children that because we live in a “Christian” culture here in the US, that commercialization is not an issue.  But, I think out of all the different religions represented in the United States, Christians probably buy the most, spend the most, and want the most.  It’s not okay.  We live in a country that allows us to worship our God with no limitations.  We live in a country where we can freely worship. We live in a country that has not silenced our beliefs or the printing of our Bibles.  I can’t believe sometimes how we miss the boat completely.  As Christians, we sometimes do more of the neglecting of our Savior and our faith than the countries that prevent their people from hearing and saying His name.  How dare we.  We have been given something special, and we don’t even use it.  If Christmas was about Christmas trees and presents, then China is not missing a thing.  But they are!  They are missing Jesus.  If we miss Jesus also, then how can we claim to love Him and know Him any deeper?  I want to teach my children to not be selfish.  I want them to not just appreciate their freedoms, but to take advantage of them.  If they don’t worship Jesus this Christmas, then we’ve done something very wrong with our time in Family Rehab.  If they don’t tell others what the big deal is about a baby in a manger, then I’ve taught them nothing about the importance of that historical event, and the impact it has on people living today.  

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention also that our world right now is turned upside down.  God has been forcing us to ask some big questions about who we are and how we identify ourselves.  He’s pushing us to ask questions of “where” and “why”.  These are not comfortable.  I am sincerely confounded by the choices that lie in front of Paul and me, and our family.  For those of you who believe, for those of you who pray, for those of you who have a keen awareness and discernment of the Father’s will, please pray for us.  I have no doubt that whatever we “choose”, God will remain faithful to His people–ALL His people, no matter where they live.  I want to listen to His voice.  I want to obey.  

I also don’t want to be so distracted and overwhelmed by what lies in front of us that I, too, miss worshiping Jesus this Christmas–or at any time.  I don’t want to stop looking to Him because I am busy looking out trying to guess the future.  I want to remain faithful to family rehab.  I want to remain intentional with my kids and their hearts.  I want to seek a deeper relationship with my Savior, not just His plan for me.  There’s a difference.  I can easily get wrapped up in what the gift-bearer is bringing, instead of being enthralled with the One who has and continues to provide so much.  I have been given a priceless treasure in Jesus.  I have no reason to fear, no reason to crawl into a corner, no reason to perfectly perform.  In looking to Him, all the questions will be answered, all the Truth in the tinsel will be found, and all the joy of Christmas will bubble out of me like Mentos in Diet-Coke. 

Gratitude for cookies

November 26, 2013 — 1 Comment

This week, the girls decided to start their own baking business.  They were inspired by a new 11-year old friend, who also is baking her way to the bank.  I have had to set aside control of my kitchen, handing over my favorite room in the house with tightened and gripped fingers.  I have been amazed at how trusting them with the kitchen has lead to greater responsibility and maturity in them.  The kitchen has been covered in sugar, flour, and raw egg–no doubt!  But, the girls have washed, swept, and scrubbed to return it back to the condition in which they found it.  And the cookies are good… 🙂

This week of Thanksgiving break has forced me to ponder gratitude and thankfulness, as I guess it does with most folks every year.  I look back at the past year and see how unthankful I have been.  I see how worried I have been.  I see how absent the lenses of thankfulness have been from my world view and the view of my personal circumstances.

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Man! Really?  Always?  Continually?  In ALL circumstances??  Really?

Really.  Some might call this kind of person an optimist–someone who, unlike the realist, always sees the glass half full.  How, in a world with so many unsettling diseases, unstable people, and unbelievable disfunction can we possibly be told to be an optimist?

God’s will for us is to be people who are able to see the glass half full.  His desire for us is that we see through the frames of gratitude the things to be thankful for in the midst of even the least ideal of circumstances.  Some might ask: “How can I be thankful when my body is being destroyed by a raging cancer?”  “How can I be thankful when I’ve lost my job and can’t provide for my family?”  “How can I be thankful when my spouse has been unfaithful?” “How can I be thankful when the world is full of failing governments, dying people, and starving children?”  God’s will is not for us to be blissfully ignorant in these circumstances.  He does not want us to ignore them either. He gives us good things to which we can cling and a hope in a better tomorrow.  He gives us the strength to see the things of this world and offer a help and a hope.

Only in Christ Jesus do we see something to be thankful for in light of poverty, hunger, and genocide.  It is only in Christ, that we are able to find the light in a dark, dark world.  It is only because of God’s will for me in Christ Jesus that I have a hope to be freed from all of it.  God’s plan in sending His Son to this wretched earth was to set me free from all wretchedness.  He conquered death on the cross to set me free from all the death and destruction around me today.  If I don’t believe this, I don’t have reason to be thankful in the worst of circumstances.  Because let’s be honest:  there is a lot of hurt and sorrow and pain in this world.

I am reminded of a song by All Sons and Daughters.  Here are the lyrics:

When the pieces seem to shatter
To gather off the floor
And all that seems to matter
Is that I don’t feel you anymore
No I don’t feel you anymore
I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You’re still holding
The whole world in Your hands
I need a reason to sing
When I’m overcome by fear
And I hate everything I know
If this waiting lasts forever
I’m afraid I might let go
I’m afraid I might let go
I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You’re still holding
The whole world in Your hands
I need a reason to sing
Will there be a victory
Will You sing it over me now
Your peace is the melody
You sing it over me now
Oh Lord
I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You’re still holding
The whole world in Your hands
That is a reason to sing

Thankfulness is not easy.  Gratitude does not come without a conscience decision, even for the Christian.  Reminding ourselves of what we know to be truth–the pursuit that our loving God has for us, the plan of His redemption for this world, the faithfulness of His provision and sovereignty, and the promise of His return.  We need to be reminded that He has the whole world in His hands.

Because I DO believe that Jesus was born of a virgin (which is crazy) and I DO believe that He grew up and performed miraculous signs and wonders (which is weird) and I DO believe that He died on a cross only to come back to life in three days (which is insane)–I also believe that there is a future hope and a day when He will come again and make all things new.  (It takes faith in that which the world sees as foolishness.)  I have hope in His return.  I also have hope in His promises.  I have hope in His character.  I have hope in His love.  I have hope in a God who is relational and living and isn’t just a mythical creature locked in the words of a book on a shelf.  He is ALIVE.  He is breathing.  He is moving.  He is working to bring the whole world to a knowledge of Him.  His will is to know me and love me and serve me.  His will is know, love, and serve the hurting, the weak, and the tired.  His work in me and His compassion channeled through my heart gives me opportunity to also be a ray of light in this dark, dark world.

So, I can “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”  (Romans 12:12)  I can trust the God I believe in.  He gives me the power to be thankful in all circumstances, because of the hope He sets before me in Jesus.  I can turn over all worries and concerns for the future in prayer to Him.  I can hand over the kitchen.  I can trust His responsible maturity.  I can look forward to sweet things to come out of it.

I sing a little song to Judah every time he goes to sleep for a nap or for the night.  Today as I sang it to him, I thought about the words and applied them to my need for gratitude.  They speak truth into my worry about the future.  It’s an old hymn that my first grade teacher made us sing every morning in school:

I am Jesus’ little lamb,
Ever glad at heart I am;
For my Shepherd gently guides me,
Knows my need, and well provides me,
Loves me every day the same,
Even calls me by my name.

Day by day, at home, away,
Jesus is my Staff and Stay.
When I hunger, Jesus feeds me,
Into pleasant pastures leads me;
When I thirst, He bids me go
Where the quiet waters flow.

Who so happy as I am,
Even now the Shepherd’s lamb?
And when my short life is ended,
By His angel host attended,
He shall fold me to His breast,
There within His arms to rest.

It’s simple truth found in this song that reminds me to be thankful.  I am forever grateful for a teacher who embedded those words into my mind and heart.  I can be a happy, care-free little lamb, when I acknowledge the presence of my Good Shepherd.

The reality is that I have much to be thankful for.  I have a God who provides for me daily and calls me by name.  I have a family that loves me and cares for me.  I have a faithful husband who loves Jesus and seeks to show me how much Jesus loves me through the ways that he cares for me.   I have four children in whom I delight and find much joy.  I have had the opportunity to set aside everything to be with them and undergo “family rehab.”  I have girls who now love to bake and clean.

I have a  warm house.  I have a refrigerator full of food.  I have clean water.  I have too many clothes, too many shoes…too many cookies.

I have a community around me that seeks to love and serve each other.  They love Jesus and live in His grace.  They share that grace with me and the rest of the body.   My family at The Well understands trusting Jesus and His mercies.  They don’t work for His love–they rest in it.  They get it.  They understand having a future hope.  They understand thankfulness in all circumstances.

I have much to be thankful for.  I have much to rejoice about.  I have genuine gratitude that my God has given me new life in Him.  I have freedom.  I have grace.  I have forgiveness.  I have hope.  I have cookies.

Early Abstinence and Dragons

November 19, 2013 — 1 Comment

Early Abstinence: can be the toughest stage to cope with because of many factors, including continued withdrawal symptoms, physical cravings, psychological dependence and a host of triggers that can tempt you into a relapse.

I think we have finally made it through stage 2 of our Family Rehab:  “Early Abstinence.”  We have struggled with the occasional “fall off the wagon” ending up in the high-pace race to worldly success.  Whether educational success, “spiritual” success, or behavioral success, anytime we ended up frantically reaching for goals that were deceptively laced in fear, we knew we had slipped into old habits and addictions.  Now, here we are, I believe, exiting “Early Abstinence” and getting ready for what lies ahead.

Over the past 2 1/2 months, I have found myself on the floor in withdrawal feeling overwhelmed by the dooming presence of my failure to succeed and craving my old schedule with kids in school and daily quiet time.  I have found myself physically wanting to keep our day busy with meaningless activities to merely pass the time, rather than engage with the hearts of my children.  I have heard the voices in my head telling me that if I don’t have something to show by Christmas or by the end of the year for all our (my) hard work, then this was all for naught.  I have lost my temper.  I have declared school holidays for the sole purpose of feeding my laziness.  I have forced school with a short fuse for the sole purpose of breaking God’s commandment to rest.  There have been days I have gotten it all wrong–days when my priorities were all out of whack, my heart inward focused, and my strength was being sucked up from an empty well of self-ambition.  Stage 2 of Family Rehab has been really, really, hard.

We live in a world–in an American society, rather–that so heavily speaks against all that Jesus desires us to hear.  We “hear” that Jesus wants us to have abundant life and as Americans we try harder for a life we think we deserve.  We “hear” Jesus say observe the Sabbath, and we rush the kids to bed so we can flip on the TV for a dramatic escape to rest.  We “hear” Jesus say children are a blessing, and we find a way to manage them rather than love them.  All these words from Jesus get drowned out by the words of the world.  There are temptations to “relapse” everywhere.  Especially, when as Americans we have most likely grown up in a fast-paced success-driven world, retraining the heart and the mind to break free from that mold is an overwhelming task.  It is so much easier to just conform to the rest of the world around us.  It’s so much easier to worry about money, success, schedule, education– ALL of it, instead of trusting Jesus with it.  I often think, if I could just see Jesus sitting at our dinner table, if I could just audibly hear Jesus saying, “I’ve got this!”, then  I think it would be so much easier to trust Him.  But that’s not faith…

As Stage 2 of Family Rehab is rounding out, I am certain that the same struggles to trust His voice will be there tomorrow.  Once an addict, always an addict, right?  Maybe the worldly voices, the temptations, and the desire to take the easy “faithless” way out will always be there.  But I don’t believe I am destined to live a life addicted to the ways of the world.  Jesus lives in me.  The old addict, who was always “jones-ing” to “keep up with the Jones” has been buried with Christ, and a new person has been raised with Him.  Jesus tells me that I am a new creation.

Romans 12:2 says, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”  I could think of no better way to sum up “Early Abstinence.”  Family Rehab isn’t about stopping an addiction to drugs or alcohol.  Our Family Rehab is about pulling away from the ways of the world for a year to renew our minds.  It has been a process, through an abstinence of worldy things, of understanding and identifying where and how we even do conform to the ways of this world.  We have been too engrained and trained by this world that we don’t even know or realize how much we have conformed to it.

Today the girls were working with clay.  They were very determined to handcraft some dragon pets.  Unlike them, I don’t know much about dragons.  Apparently, there are books about different kinds of dragons.  Helen’s dragon, for instance had huge ears, which made it a “listening dragon.”  It was all very cute.  They spent nearly 5 hours, from lunch to dinner, at the table crafting their dragons with such purpose and patience.  When the clay wasn’t too dry, or too wet, it did a descent job of keeping it’s shape.  When the clay was too dry, it was brittle and would easily break.  It couldn’t be worked with at all.  But when the clay was too wet, leaving the dragons untouched for an extended amount of time resulted in droopy dragons.  The clay started to melt into the surface of the table–flat and shapeless.  The dragons needed to be reshaped, remolded into the thing their creators wanted them to be.  In order for those dragons to remain dragons and eventually dry into bone-hard dragons, they had to go under continual tweaking and pushing and pinching.

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God in His mercy and love also created us out of clay.  Why?  Because to Him we are as fascinating and enjoyable as dragons are to my daughters.  Dragons are not of this world.  They are fanciful and fantastic.  They breath fire.  They are big beasts that fly and glide through the air.  They bring joy to little girls and little boys alike.  They are just plain cool.  Today, those dragons were created to not just provide fun for my girls, they were a display of Ava and Helen’s artistic creativity and talent.  Similarly, God designed us to model His glory.  We were created out of love with the purpose to glorify Him.  But sometimes the clay is too hard.  Sometimes we don’t see a need to be anything but clay.  We have hardened hearts that refuse to let anyone, let alone God, shape and mold us into something other than what we think we should be.

And then there are those of us who are wet clay.  We want to be molded.  We want to be shaped, so much so, that we dive into so much that we are wet with how-to books, 12-steps to happier lives, and all the influential stuff of the world.  We can’t seem to separate the molding hands of the Father from the shaping hands of the world.  We can’t decipher the Truth from the facts of life and worldly success.  We are so interested in becoming what we “think” we are supposed to be, that we are not patient with the Father and His timing.  A potter adds water to soften clay and make it pliable, but that is the Potter’s job.  Outside of His timing, we have drenched ourselves in our own plans and our own desires that we can’t keep shape on our own. We start to melt and conform to the flat and shapeless goals and ideals of the world around us.  He desires us to be dragons!  He wants us to be fantastic and fanciful!  He has a vision for us that includes breathing FIRE!

Thank goodness He keeps coming back to our droopy dragon tails.  When the temptations of the world encourage us to “relapse” into our previous clay bondage, He comes to us in a very intimate and loving way to push and pinch.  Sometimes, it’s not comfortable.  But He sees in His mind’s eye the finished product.  He sees soaring wings taking powerful and dramatic flight.  He keeps tweaking and touching until we are able to stand firm in His truth, in our identity as His creation, and in our purpose to glorify Him.

We have been wet, slouching dragons during “Early Abstinence.”  We were eager and excited to learn and be transformed.  We took on a lot of change under our own power and vision.  As we sit and dry out, getting pinched and pushed, we are learning that the Potter is to be trusted.  He has a vision to mold us beyond our eager set-aside Family Rehabilitation.  I am learning that to set aside the voices of this world and listen to His voice is key.  During this time of rehab, abstaining from what the world tells us is important, good, and meaningful allows us to be able to even recognize and hear the Truth coming from Jesus.   Putting aside my ambition to let Jesus do with me whatever He wills is what sobriety looks like.  We are in process.  We are learning.  We are seeing more and more everyday that our role in all this is to just sit on the shelf with trust and humility.  I am learning to see ourselves next to our children on the shelf instead of trying to shape and mold them myself.  Jesus knows whether they are to be “listening dragons” or something else.  I can only show them through my obedience what it looks like to sit on the shelf and be okay there.

We will be tempted and tested.  But through that testing, I pray that we “discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”  I pray that over time, we struggle less and less to hear the voice of Jesus amidst the voices of this world.  I pray that over time, with much pinching and pushing, I give up my wet clay and look more and more like a strong, powerful, fanciful and free-flying dragon.  I pray that I surrender all trust to Jesus letting Him define my future and direct my steps.

Feeding the Sheep and Hot Showers

November 8, 2013 — 1 Comment

I feel like every post lately has started this way…things have been busy.  While they have been busy, I am recognizing, however, a maintained peacefulness in our house.  Despite the craziness of our daily lives, I do see a remarkable contrast between life before family rehab, and life during.  Our routine at home is more relaxed.  We are having more open conversations about Scripture and life, in general, with our kids.  We are learning together and resting together, eating together and playing together.  We may be a little behind in some of our science and art lessons, but overall, I think we are doing okay.  We are busy, but we are settling in to what life at home and in school looks like.  The girls are already at the half-way point in math and are doing their mid-year reviews.  Both girls are excited to have earned having a sleepover by reading and reviewing a certain number of chapter books.  I am rejuvenated by the impending Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks, excited that we can do fun holiday activities and “sneak” in the math that we have learned as a way to practically apply it to life, and to “sneak” in science and simple life lessons.

I also am really excited for January and February.  I love the Olympics.  It really doesn’t matter if it’s summer or winter.  I love the competition.  I love the drama.  I love the idea that anyone can work really hard and train despite all kinds of adversity.  We are going to research the different sports, the different athletes, Sochi-Russia, and so forth.  The girls will pick their favorite U.S. athlete and write a letter to them.  Then, in February, we will watch and track the Olympics.  I can’t wait.  If it were not for the Olympics in February, I probably would have no creative juice left for the remainder of the school year!

I’ve written in earlier posts about waiting and seeing what God is doing.  I’ve focused a lot on the period of waiting–resting in complete trust that Jesus can do more in our waiting than in our doing we can do.  It’s hard.  I want to do and go and move.  But I am learning.  I went to a Worship Conference last month and heard Jesse Reeves, bass player for Chris Tomlin, speak about waiting.  It hit me to the core.  He talked about all the time that passed after David was anointed king and the time he actually became king.  It was something crazy, like 15 years.  Every time anyone was looking for David during all those years, he was usually found with the sheep.  He was tending, protecting, and feeding the sheep.  He wasn’t out making sure everyone knew he had been anointed king.  He was busy feeding the sheep.  Jesse talked about how Jesus tells the disciples to “feed my sheep.”  It was a good word and a challenging word.  

During our time of waiting in Family Rehab, I don’t even necessarily know what I am waiting for.  I just know, I guess through the work of the Holy Spirit, that something is happening.  It can be easy for me to try and figure it out and wrestle with, preparing and analyzing, but I don’t think God wants me to spend my energy doing that.  He wants me to feed my sheep.  He wants to me tend and care for my children.  He wants me to take care of our house and all that He has currently given to me.  He wants me to fulfill the roles that He has already called me to.  He wants me to care for hurting friends and relationships that are right here where I am.  I can ask questions of Him, and pray and wonder about what the future holds, but I need to be in the field with my sheep.  When God comes looking for me, to tell me that a giant named Goliath is asking to fight, I need to be found in the field tending the sheep, because only then will I faithfully go where He calls me.  For David, protecting the sheep and being with them in every moment, is what prepared Him unknowingly for his battle with Goliath.  He fought off a bear with his own hands!  That gave him the confidence to even stand against Goliath.  Trying to determine what personal giant is hiding around the next turn only produces anxiousness and fear of the unknown.  Counting down the days, weeks, and years until something new and exciting happens doesn’t produce anything good.  Feeding my sheep out in the pasture gives me a peace and a comfort to answer whatever God calls me to.  Being in the pasture gives me a quiet wisdom that only God through the Holy Spirit provides.  I don’t always do this, and therefore, that’s why the message was so powerful and spoke so profoundly to my heart.

To tend the sheep and the pasture, Paul took this week off of work and we declared this week “vacation”–well, kind of.  A little over a year ago, we moved into our house and we never really got a chance to fully unpack and settle.  So, this week was all about organizing closets, cleaning the garage, and purging boxes.  The kids have had school work, but minimal, and we’ve been having fun finding all our lost treasures in the depths of the closets and cardboard boxes.  There is a godly satisfaction that comes with taking care of things.  At the root of Family Rehab, is the desire to take care of our four little sheep, to care of each other, and to turn to the Good Shepherd for all of our needs.

After a garage cleaning session, I was taking a shower–a HOT shower.  When I take a shower or a bath, the water is usually extremely hot.  I don’t think I have always liked scalding hot water.  I think the habit began after having kids.  I noticed that when the shower was hotter, it meant no one else was willing to take the risk of opening the shower door and encountering the burning water-spray to talk to me.  When my bubble bath was beyond warm and steam was rising above the bubbles, no one asked to get in and steal my supply of soapy foam.  I may not get to do very many things by myself these days, but I have created an environment in my showers, that assures some alone time.

Family Rehab has really encouraged me to ask harder and deeper questions.  So yesterday, when I was thinking in the shower about how hot the water really was and how most likely I take these scalding showers as a way to have privacy, it caused me to search a little deeper.  Are there any other areas of my life where I create an environment that causes others to keep themselves at a safe distance from me?  Immediately, I think of the times when I am short of patience or frustrated about something and the childish way I can huff and puff around the house.  When I do this, though I am not purposefully pushing anyone away, I am telling my husband and my children that I am unapproachable.  I don’t think any of us want to be “unapproachable.”   I am sure that all that hot water is taking a tole on my skin, too.  It can’t be good for me.  If it keeps others away, then is it really any safer for me?  What else do I do that is keeping others at a distance and is also harming me?  What emotional barriers and fences do I throw up that are also effecting my heart and my soul?

I know there are answers to these questions.  I feel as though I am only starting to uncover these things in my life.  I know there are more instances when I create scalding walls between myself and others.  It really is a humble thought to think both about the command to feed my sheep and the hot showers I take to keep them away.  In a world that promotes self-care and rest, which is a good thing, we can push that to an unhealthy extreme.  We can promote self in a way that has been labeled as healthy, and in the process create barriers and draw boundary lines that Jesus would probably wince at.  He provides a pasture that is green and plentiful and by quiet waters…what sounds more restful and healthy than that??  I don’t want to seek out my own needs to the detriment of those around me, and ultimately of myself.  This is pretty much all I know for sure about this.  I know that I don’t want to be unapproachable or self-seeking.  I pray for God to reveal to me where I am seeking hot showers away from the pasture.  I pray for God to give me a desire to sit in the grass with the sheep and to take away my desire to self-promote.  And, I will continue to pray that He helps me wait.  I pray that He reminds me over and over that He can do more in my waiting, than in my doing I can do.  I am so thankful that He doesn’t tire of me–that reminding me of His love and His care and His provision is a joy to Him.