Family Rehab

Joy in the Journey…

July 28, 2014 — 1 Comment

Here I am sitting in the Denver airport, sipping my Caribou Coffee and nibbling at my blackberry scone.  The airport is busy today.  Lots of people with their bulging bags trailing behind them and their floppy white boarding passes dancing as they rush to get to the TSA tape, only to abruptly stop at the end of the line.  Their heart rates have time to settle now as they wait in a line that will only progress them on the their journey at a snail’s pace.  It’s funny sitting up here in this raised second story cafe at my quaint little table in my quaint wicker-seated chair casually sipping my coffee while every once in a while tapping at the keys of my keyboard.  No matter where their destination, no matter if for work, or play, their travels for the day all come to a startling pause in that security line.  Every once in a while, the anxiety of a passenger is evident in the lack of space they put between their body and the rolling suitcase in front of them–as if the mere 5 inches they have gained in line is going to add hours until the time of their departure.  The perspective I gain up here overhead above the line is interesting.  I am sure it will be different when I am down there along side them waiting as well.

I have a good two hours until my flight starts boarding, so I sit, enjoying my coffee and scone and this unusual chance to people-watch.  It makes me wonder if God sits in his heavenly cafe drinking his latte (because there has got to be coffee in heaven) and he amusingly watches us bumping into others in an effort to hurry along the processes of life.  We’ve got somewhere we are going, we have important things to do, we are pressed for time.  I wonder if he sees the same anxiety-ridden faces trying to control the things they simply cannot.

I had the pleasure of spending this past weekend with a wonderful group of women in Colorado for their women’s retreat.  We worshiped together, we shared our stories, and we played.  It was so rejuvenating and uplifting.  The theme of the retreat was “Joy in the Journey”.  And as I look down on all these busy travelers in the Denver airport, I make it my own little covert operation to find an example, if even only one person, who has genuine joy in the journey today.  

There is no way I could in mere words and generalizations describe the multitudes of people I see here.  This international airport contains a vast variety of cultures and people groups.  So, I mention only the few that stick out to me as I set out on my secret mission.

The obvious travelers are the business men and women with their attache briefcases at their side.  They look tired.  A few are boisterously talking on their cell phones about deadlines, “the figures”, and other important sounding lingo that blows way over the top of my head.  Occasionally, I see one or two laughing on their phones and I think, “Oh, there’s joy… ”  Some of them are moms checking in with their kids and they are beaming as they hear the voice coming through the line.  But then, as they end the call, I see their shoulders slump.  It’s so obvious to me they long to have more than a faint voice to hold on to.  The men are the same.  I witness them talking with such enthusiasm and passion only to observe their smiling faces immediately deflating as they stick the phone back in their pocket.  “It was only a show…”, I think.  “Only a part of the job.”

I see a lot of women, usually older with gray hair traveling alone.  I think, “Grandmas!”  Surely, I will see joy on their faces.  But, they also look tired, overwhelmed by all the people and lines, and perplexed by all the flashing departure numbers on the screen.  Surely, they are on their way to hold new babies or to take trips to the zoo.  Or perhaps, they are on their way home from giving their later-years-in-life energy to little humans who exude uncontainable and uncontrollable amounts of liveliness.  That explains why they look so exhausted!  

I see younger men in their late teens or early twenties.  They also look tired and rugged.  They’ve got casual t-shirts and cargo shorts on, for the most part, and bed-head hidden underneath baseball caps.  They don’t seem to have any expression–their eyes glued to their smart phones.  They are passive, unresponsive, and I even witness one of these “men” standing next to an older lady who was struggling to lift her suitcase over an uneven hump between the shiny tile and the commercial carpet.  He’s completely unaware of those around him who need his help.  He’s lost.  He’s not experiencing anything in the moment…I don’t know where he is. 

Then, I see a family.  A mom, a dad, a little girl, and a boy.  I watch as they see the long security check point line and instead of speedily filing into place like sardines, they turn and head towards the escalator.  I covertly watch them as they casually ride up to my second-level loft area.  They come into the cafe and grab a table.  The mom looks a little frazzled…not emotionally, but rather physically.  And as I observe a little more–trying really hard not be any more creepy than I must already sound–I notice they all look a little rough.  They look like they just went camping.  All four of them have hair out of place and comfy sweatshirts and jeans on.  They are ordering eggs and waffles, juice and coffee.  I think, “man, they are kind of going a little crazy!  No way they can eat all that food.”  And at this point, I am starting to feel like a stalker.  But something captivates me about this family.  They look like they had a rough night.  I start to wonder if they might have even spent the night here, across rows of sticky pleather and metal lounge chairs.  But there is something about their calm spirits–the way the husband and wife exchange glances across the table, as if their eyes are flashing Morse Code messages–the way the kids smile at each other as they scarf down their scrambled eggs and dip their bacon in the syrup cascading down the sides of their waffles.  I am intrigued.  I wouldn’t say they look “joyful”…no, they look “joy-filled”.  

I quickly look back at my computer screen as they get up from their table and brush against the empty chair at my table.  Honestly, I am kind of feeling a little slimy at this point! And, just like that they are gone.  They exit the cafe at my back and so I’ve “lost visual” for now.  I feel a little bit like Chloe on 24 and the “creepiness” factor goes down a bit for me.  

As I settle back into my scone and coffee, I think about this family.  I think their calm and gentle spirits stick out like a lime-green field trip shirt in this airport.  The lack of anxiety, frustration, worry, fatigue, sadness, droopy eyes…that’s what highlighted them among the throngs of hurried and rushed travelers.  Yet, it was obvious that their peace was not as a result of a good-night’s rest, nor was there traveling experience void of the same long lines of all the others in the airport.

It’s at this point that I’d really like to say I overheard them on my secret-spy com voice recorder say that they love Jesus and that He lives in their hearts and is the source of their deep internal joy.  But, I heard no utterance across the little bistro tables of Jesus or His love.  Yet, I can’t help but reflect on this weekend’s retreat and all the verses that speak about having joy in the midst of struggle or trial or even persecution.  What does that joy look like?  When there has been no sleep and our hair is matted and tangled–when the symbolic flights of our lives don’t connect and our figurative luggage is lost, how does our internal joy make itself known?  Do we boisterously laugh for others, only to disappear into sadness and longing when we find ourselves alone?  Do we find external joy in others only to wear ourselves out because the energy we muster up isn’t enough to outlast those around us?  Do we get lost in distraction and passiveness, just simply avoiding the situations and circumstances around us that challenge and push us?

Or, do we sit down, order some fancy eggs and waffles, a nice tall glass of OJ, and linger at the table?  When trials and suffering, or even the wear and tear of the everyday, meet us on our journey, do we take the time to stop and experience the full blessings of God?  Do we sit at His table and let Him serve us with His goodness and grace?  Do we remember how he lavishes us with His love and redemption?

This weekend, I was reminded of the internal joy that lives in me.  I haven’t been letting it flow to the outer layers of my skin.  I have been keeping it buried deep within, letting the overwhelming circumstances and the long lines of waiting to see God do His thing, convince me that this must be a season void of joy.  But it’s there.  It isn’t dependent on circumstances changing.  It’s in me!  This weekend my pre-existing joy was pulled out of me, brought not only to surface of my heart, but it uncontrollably spilled over.  This crazy wonder, called joy–this strange phenomenon of a deeply rooted contentment and trust void of anxiety and worry was drawn out from the depth of my soul by being in the presence of Jesus and His women as we gathered at the proverbial well.  We were all there, seeking to quench our thirst.  What we found was that the satisfaction and joy we were longing for was living not in the deep echoing lengths of future hopes, but in the middle of our very being.  Jesus lives in us, and this weekend, my fellow sisters in Christ drew Him up to the surface in jars filled to the brim.  Everyone of them, in showing their vulnerabilities and sharing the love of Jesus with me, drew yet another jar of joy to the top of the well.  I am traveling home today, not joyful, but joy-filled.

I am so thankful that God had it in His plan for me to go this retreat at exactly this time.  He has us all on varying journeys set to different destinations.  And I am so blessed to be finding the joy in my journey.

 

 

 

Life After Rehab: Step 7…

July 22, 2014 — Leave a comment

Well, we have finally made it to step 7 of our seven-step Life After Rehab series.  Thanks for stickin’ through it. 🙂

 

Step 7: Stay Alert for Signs of Relapse.

“According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, addiction is a chronic illness, and as a result, 40 to 60 percent of people who have an addiction relapse at least once. This doesn’t mean that addiction treatment isn’t effective, but it does mean that people with addictions will need to amend their lives and be on alert if they’d like to keep the problem from coming back full force. For starters, they might need to know where a relapse, for them, begins. For some, it’s a feeling of sadness or loss. For others, it’s a sensation of happiness or invincibility. These thoughts swirl and swirl, growing stronger and stronger, until a relapse takes place. Capturing and identifying the thought is the key to stopping the relapse. When those thoughts are in place, the person can go back to therapy, visit a sober friend, catch a meeting, or otherwise deal with the issue and stop the cycle. Friends and family members might also be helpful here, as they might also know what a relapse looks like and how it typically starts. They can’t be expected to step in and stop a relapse from taking place, but they can speak up and speak out when they sense trouble, and this might be the prompt that pushes the person to find more intensive treatment” (http://www.michaelshouse.com).

 

 

Jesus said, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor” (Luke 4:18-19). Jesus came to set us free from the bondage of our sin. Our chronic condition has been completely healed on the cross. We have that freedom at our fingertips but we so often, like the addict, don’t amend our lives to the entirety of His teachings and His grace, nor faithfully remain on alert for attacks on our freedom. The enemy wants us to think we are still enslaved to sin–that what Jesus did on the cross wasn’t enough or didn’t take. We, like the addict, often don’t catch the little things that lead us to a relapse of the flesh–those things that lead us to strap ourselves back to the chains of bondage.

Feelings of sadness, loss, and invincibility can lead even the most “put-together” Christians down a path of destruction. “Capturing and identifying” as mentioned above for the addict are also key to resisting sin and it’s hold on us.  In 2 Corinthians 10:5, Paul instructs fellow believers in Jesus that the battle we fight is not of the flesh but of a divine nature. He tells us to “hold captive every thought.” This means that with every feeling and thought we have, we need to take hold of it, identify it, and then use Christ’s standards to evaluate it. Without this process, our emotions and thoughts can become a swirling river of untamed beliefs and assumptions that guide our behavior and decisions in a destructive way. It’s Satan’s last ditch effort to pull us away from the freedom we have in Christ. Again, this is where a community of Christ-followers and sober-minded friends and mentors is key to survival. There will be times when we are so far gone down the river of frustration, guilt, fear, self-righteousness, doubt, and selfishness that we need others to recognize and identify for us what’s going on. We will need others to pull us out, dry us off, and call us out on our erroneous thinking or behaving. We will need others to speak gentle truths to us in love, reminding us of our freedom and security in Christ.

When we started this “Family Rehab” journey last year, we committed to a year of homeschool in an effort to slow our pace of living down and to reestablish our home during that time.  While during the past year we have seen remarkable change in our relationships with our children and have seen them blossom in certain areas, it has not gone as expected. With our relocation, we lost at least half the school year to the mayhem of boxes and house projects.  However, we have seen during a less than perfect attempt at homeschooling, positive and fruitful growth in our family, which only shows God’s faithfulness and mercy.

I have wrestled with what lies ahead for us and school.  I see the great benefits of homeschool and being with my kids every moment of the day, learning with them along the way.  The flexibility of setting our own schedule has been a healing balm for  our souls and our home life.  There are many reasons to do homeschool again next year.  However, I realize that most Americans feel that they cannot afford homeschool or that it isn’t a realistic option for them.  So because the majority of the culture around me is facing the realties of parenting in the midst of our crazy fast-paced American goal-setting and success-getting culture, I find myself searching for the answers to some questions:

With the early hours, the days apart from each other, the homework, our own job-stress and expectations, and the bulging schedule, how do we still remain intentionally engaged with the hearts of our children and each other?

How do we live in our American culture, yet not submit to it–without completely pulling out of its systems?  

How do we resist finding our value and worth in our success and performance when the culture around us measures us (and everything else–even our churches) by those same weighted standards?  

How do we gospel-thrive in a gospel-deficiant culture?

I feel that our year of rehab helped us to rest and hit the reset button.  While nowhere near completion, I believe that I have grown in my trust of Jesus and am merely starting to learn what it means to unabashedly move to the gentle whispers of His Spirit, even if He leads me to do something a little bit crazy.   I hope that my family is also learning this kind of discernment.  I think our freshly rested souls and our post-rehab perspectives encourage us to engage in these kinds of cultural questions.  Because of this, (along with some other reasons I can discuss later), we are looking at putting the kids in school next year.  Having said that, we are waiting for clear direction from the Lord as to where and if this is truly what is best for our family in this season.  There might be a chance that God says we are not ready and need another year of rehab.  We might see that we need to “go back to therapy” because we are closer to relapse than we realize.  There is a chance that we enter the school system only to pull out again in a year or two.  As counter-culture and as counter-Angie as it is, I am trying not to set a 5-year plan and outline the future.  We have seen God work in ways that go beyond our plans and, in fact, frustrate our plans.  So, we are intentionally not setting any or forming strong biases in the area of education.  So many benefits lie in all forms of education, and I believe those differing benefits can be taken advantage of for different seasons.

No matter where our children’s education takes place, this next year will look different. Instead of focusing on a year of rehabilitation, we will focus on applying the things we have learned to our new and crazy fast-paced life. I am sure we will struggle to stay grounded and will have to resist getting swept up in the things of this world. But we will use these helpful steps and trust in Jesus to be sovereign and carry us through.  We will rely on those sober-minded friends and family members to pull us from paths or cycles leading to relapse.

We will continue to share our story with you (see blog posts on steps 5 and 6) as we enter Life After Rehab. I invite you to share your stories with me. My prayer is that we will remind each other over the next year that we have all been rehabilitated, restored, renewed and revived in Jesus. His work is complete in us. Let us hold fast to His word and cling to His promises–who He is and who we are in Him. When things start to look more like the world and less like Jesus, let’s hold each other up to the truths found in His deep relentless love. Our performance doesn’t change the work He did on the cross. Our falling off the wagon doesn’t change or take away His victory over sin and eternal death. We get to continue in the joy and freedom found in what He has rehabilitated–what He has restored. We all have new health and life in Him.  We all are in life after rehab…let’s support one another and live it together.

We are working on a better format for the sharing of your stories.  In the meantime, please share in the comment section.  We’d love to be encouraged by what God is doing in your life and support you where you are struggling to see His presence.

 

Life After Rehab: Step 6…

July 15, 2014 — 1 Comment

This weekend we were visited by some dear friends from the Austin-area.  We had a great time catching up and spending time with each other.  It reminded me just how much I love them and all the other friends and family from whom we just moved away.  I’m probably going to go through friend withdrawal this week at some point, so I am just preparing myself for the random emotional meltdown that will undoubtedly show up out of nowhere.  As I was preparing to write this next step in our tips for Life After Rehab, I was challenged to consider life beyond my own skin.  Yes, it’s sad that I don’t live near those beloved people anymore.  But, there is a world still doing it’s thing outside of the all-consuming emotions swirling in my own head.  That world is hurting and just a simple shift in my focus can help both of us.  Raise your coffee cups:  Here’s to Step 6 in Life After Rehab…

 

Step 6: Help Someone Else. 

“In rehab, people spend a significant time talking about what they’ll need to do to improve their individual lives, but research suggests that helping someone else could be a vital part of the recovery process. For example, a study in the journal Addiction found that helping others achieve sobriety reduced the risk that recovering drinkers would binge drink. By helping others, they were able to share experiences and remember what it’s like to struggle for sobriety. This allows petty daily concerns to float away, and it might make the person work even harder to maintain the gains earned in drug rehab. Support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous make this kind of mentoring easy, as most programs ask senior members to take on younger members and counsel them in a one-on-one fashion. However, helping could take many forms. In fact, some forms of helping don’t have anything to do with addiction at all. People could volunteer at an animal shelter, mentor a child in need, visit seniors in elder care facilities, or participate in a community garden. Giving back and doing good makes the heart feel full and happy, and this could be just the sort of sensation a person needs in order to maintain sobriety when the rehab program is complete” (http://www.michaelshouse.com).

 

Being a sober-minded mentor to someone else is essential for walking out of Family Rehab. We all have learned a lot over the past year and sharing that with others reminds us of exactly all that God has done and how amazing He really is. God daily works to equip all of us. He is constantly preparing us for something down the road. If I am open, there are things to be learned with every experience and knowledge to be gained about myself, others, and God. He calls all of us to share that wisdom with others. We are the Body and we are to support each other and walk through life pointing each other to Jesus. We are to speak the truth in love to each other and build each other up. Ephesians 4:15-17 says, “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.” If we don’t offer ourselves as mentors to others–if we don’t share the things we have learned–if we don’t speak the hard truths in love–if we don’t acknowledge that God has equipped us with experiences and gifts–than the body can’t grow and mature.

This doesn’t mean we go around arrogantly offering up ourselves as mentors to everybody.  It means we talk openly and freely about our struggles and how Jesus has victory over them. We don’t shy away from sharing how Jesus has transformed us. We don’t forget what He has taught us. We speak out of a confidence in His power to do great redemptive work, not out of the boastfulness of our own “wisdom” or “maturity.” There are a lot of struggling people in this world who need to be gently reminded of how Jesus is pursuing them and loving them. Our stories and experiences can connect people to the most satisfying solution to their struggles–Jesus.

As a family, I believe finding service opportunities to do together will also help us keep a healthy and balanced view of how blessed we are to have each other. Serving others will give us meaningful time together and shared experiences. In the book of James we are told to visit orphans and care for widows. I’m sad to admit, but this is something our family has not done a whole lot of.  However, as we look to the upcoming school year, I hope to add this to our routine.  

Sometimes we are called to just help where help is needed.  I have a friend who has also recently moved.  She texted me just last night telling me about a homeless couple that she came across.  The husband was having a grand mal seizure on the side of the road.  She stopped to help and listened to the wife as she explained their situation through her fear-filled tears.  My friend called for an ambulance and stayed with them until they were loaded up and headed to the hospital.  She gave them snacks and money and even helped the paramedics get the man, (still seizing) onto the gurney.  Her heart was heavy for the couple as she tried to go to sleep.  She expressed to me in her text that she wished she had more resources and contacts in her new surroundings so that she could better help them.  But what my sweet friend didn’t realize is that what she offered that couple was already so much.  She saw a situation in which others needed help and she didn’t over think it, analyze, or hesitate.  Without even realizing it, she was letting Jesus overtake her heart with compassion and He worked mightily through her.  She was equipped with more than enough resources and contacts.   

I really want to empower all those reading out there that you are all equipped for mentorship.  You are equipped to help others.  You don’t have to be a pastor, a pastor’s wife, a counselor, or even someone who has all their “stuff” in order.  I don’t.  I am continually struggling to figure out what to do with my life and how to do it with grace.  But, Jesus has equipped me through the Holy Spirit to help others with the same things that I haven’t yet figured out.  It’s usually in these moments of listening to someone else’s struggles and reflecting on what Jesus’s love can do for them in their situation, that I learn how to apply it to my own life.  That’s sometimes the only way for my stubborn personality to grow.  God has given us all unique stories and uses us to bring Him glory and honor…if we let Him.  We have to be open and willing to see beyond ourselves.  We have to be willing to accept the fact that we aren’t just receivers of help, but that He has something to offer others through us.  Sometimes we can throw our own little pity parities, focusing on how much we lack and how far we have to go.  But it is in our weakness that He is made strong and therefore, we are made strong.  Thank goodness.  If we all waited until we understood it all and had the questions to life all figured out, nobody would ever help anyone.  The world would be at a stand still.  It’s in humility and grace that we really see how huge and relentless the love of Jesus is.  Let’s share that healing message with others.

“Who is weak, and I am not weak? Who is made to fall, and I am not indignant?  If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness” (2 Corinthians 11:29-30).

“For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:10).

Life After Rehab: Step 5…

July 9, 2014 — 1 Comment

This week  has been a hard one for our family.  After the 4th of July, we crashed and burned from the late night celebrations and firework-interrupted sleep.  Emotions and fits were at an all time high…and I’m not just talking about the kids. 🙂 Yesterday, Gideon in a furious fit of hurt feelings, marched into his bed at 4:30 and slept till 7 this morning.  I don’t really know what or who hurt his feelings, but I know if was a part of some game that was intended to include him.  Whatever it was that offended him wasn’t a part of the plan or design of the game.  If only all of our changes to plans or unintentional incurred hurts were followed by 14 1/2 hours of recovery rest!  This morning he was a new little man, full of politeness and patience.  Because I am not a 5-year old with a still very self-serviced level of responsibilities, I’ve had to find other ways to cope.  Life is full of sin and hurt and emotion and confusion and on and on.  It seems to never stop.  As soon as we recover from one dramatic event (or sometimes not even recover) another something happens to stir up our emotional stew pots.  Maybe I tend to make my life dramatic and experience life with too much emotion.  Even if I that is the case, having healthy ways to cope with my weakness to emotions would be very helpful.  Because I can’t just march to my room and sleep until a new day arrives, I’ve got to figure out how to manage situations and emotions so that I can keep functioning in a way that is pleasing to God–so when I am hurt, I don’t end up emotionally hurting my kids.  When I am sad, I don’t make others sad.  When I am sinning, I don’t cause others to sin.

I am hoping as I write, that I am not the only one who struggles with this need for a 14-hour nap every now and then, or with the desire to find a more reasonable option.  Part of the goal of Family Rehab was to take time out to have an extended period of recovery as we pass from one thing to the next in life.  But, now that rehab is over, the 14-hour nap is not an option.  The new day has come and now we ask the questions that will hopefully lead us to more realistic ways to function and cope.  I do know that it’s nearly impossible to do it alone.  Which leads us to the next step in our 7 step series for Life After Rehab…

 

 

Step 5: Find a Support Group.

“Drug rehab programs often utilize support groups, including Narcotics Anonymous or Alcoholics Anonymous, as programs like this can boost a feeling of affiliation and help people to achieve and maintain sobriety. When rehab is over, it can be tempting to skip meetings in favor of talking with family and friends on an informal basis, but attending support groups could provide benefits that casual talks cannot. In a support group, people are still learning about addiction and they’re tapping into a network of people who have dealt with their own addiction issues. They have a robust roster of people to talk to, and a goal to work toward. The meetings can be inspirational, and they can allow the person to say things that the family simply might not understand. In other words, meetings shouldn’t be skipped” (http://www.michaelshouse.com).

 

 

So there isn’t a Family Rehab Anonymous support group that meets on a weekly basis.  (I checked.)   However, there is a weekly gathering of people who are dealing with a myriad of their own weaknesses and issues. It’s called the church. A Sunday morning gathering of believers provides everything that the above secular resource describes in a support group.  At a high school reunion (an undisclosed number of years ago), this similarity was pointed out to me by a friend.  When she heard that my husband was a pastor, she went on to say that church is just like her running club, a group centralized around a common interest.  Yes, it’s true, being a part of the Body of Christ gives a feeling of affiliation. We are all sons and daughters of the King, right? But it is much deeper than mere affiliation or interest.  We’ve all been purchased by the same blood. On a Sunday morning we go beyond a social gathering with family and friends and learn together about our addictions to sin and the constant battle against our flesh. There is a “robust roster” of fellow strugglers, fellow sinners, and fellow saved. Our goal and struggle as believers is to actually receive the grace that is offered to us so freely.  Church is not just a social club, or at least it shouldn’t be.

Worship obviously can be inspirational and being in the safety of others can allow us to say things about our struggles and talk about grace in a way that the rest of the world seems to avoid or redefine. The benefits of being a part of a church community are deep and plentiful.  “In other words, meetings [Sunday worship] shouldn’t be skipped.” As we continue to make the transition out of a year of rehab, we will commit to being in a community of fellow Jesus believers. For us, this goes beyond Sunday morning worship and our commitment is to also be a part of a missional community or house church, or whatever you want to call it. We plan on being a part of a smaller group of believers who do life together and share in the daily struggle to live in honesty and under grace.  This smaller group can provide connection with others and the time to be truly known that is sometimes missed in a larger group setting like Sunday morning worship.

Simply going to church on a Sunday morning isn’t the end-all-be-all.  Just like Alcoholics Anonymous, there might be a period of time when new attendees just sit and observe in those church pews–and that’s okay.  But eventually, you are going to be asked to say your name and tell the rest of the group your story.  The same should be true of our churches.  I wish I could say that all churches do this as well as AA, but unfortunately, most churches leave visitors feeling awkward, out of the loop, or unwanted.  I’ve been privileged to be a part of both small and large churches and the issue shows no bias to numbers or size.  In order to be family, as the church should be, we all need to be fully known by the those around us.  We have to struggle together verses struggling alone on the side lines as we watch others seem to walk through life unscathed.  (Trust me, all of those perfect looking families and people are just as wounded as the rest of us.)   AA acts more like the church than most churches.  Upon arrival, everyone admits that they struggle and need help.  The culture facilitates honesty and vulnerability and the sharing of the deep and dirty.

Below are some of the FAQs from the AA website about their meetings.  These questions are probably very similar to the questions asked about a Sunday morning church service.  If you are a Christian, please read the answers AA provides to these questions and think about your church…can it answer the same way?

 

 

Here are some issues a lot of us worried about before coming to our first AA meeting:
Will I be asked a lot of questions?

No, it’s not like going to a doctor or a health clinic. AA meetings are very informal. Just take a seat and listen to the stories members will tell about their drinking and their recovery. You can talk to people if you want to or just keep to yourself until you feel more comfortable.

Do I have to “sign up”?
No. There’s nothing to sign. If, at some stage you want to join a particular group you just say so. If you don’t want to join any group, that’s okay too.

How much will it cost?
There is no charge for attending an AA meeting. Usually a collection is taken at the end of each meeting to cover the costs of renting the hall and providing refreshments. Only AA members can contribute. There’s no obligation but most people put in a dollar or two.

Do I have to get up and speak in front of people?
The meeting will consist of members telling their stories but if anyone isn’t in the mood to talk, it’s fine to decline. You may be invited to speak but it’s quite okay if you don’t want to.

What type of meetings are there?
By far the most common type of AA meeting is called an ID meeting. Members just tell their stories of what they were like, what happened and what life is like for them now. There are also Steps meetings where AA’s 12-Step program of recovery is discussed in detail. There are also various other types of discussion meetings.

Who goes to AA meetings?
You’ll find all sorts of people at AA meetings. Men, women, young, old, well off and not well off.

(http://www.aa.org.au)

 

Are visitors at your church bombarded with lots of questions?  Are visitors at your church hounded to “sign-up” and hand over their contact information?  Are visitors at your church asked to open their wallets before they are asked their name?  Are visitors at your church asked to talk or do something that they might not be comfortable with or ready for?  Does your church only have one method or meeting for connecting and teaching?  Does your church give opportunities to ask deeper questions and  for deeper sharing?  Does your church provide opportunities for people to share their stories, or are they only coming as observers of a show or ritual?  Does anyone even know your story?  Do you know the story of the people sitting in the pew next to you?  Who goes to your church?  Do you all look the same?  Do you all fit in the same age-group?  Do you all fit in the same socio-economic  circle?

Hopefully, this challenges how we “do” church and what we think about the church if we’ve never been.  I recently read an article written by a man who reflected on his first visit to AA and the way his visit challenged his preconceived notions about the organization and its gatherings.  He was met with friendly people who were interested in his story.  He was met by a man who naturally and unobtrusively shared his story with raw honesty.  He expected to see either drunks who were slipping out of their chairs onto the floor, or recovering alcoholics who were better and stronger than him.  What he found were people who all knew and publicly acknowledged that they were weak and powerless to save themselves, that they needed someone bigger than themselves.  They shared their weaknesses and the victories in the continued struggle.

Does your church publicly show its weakness?  Do the people in the pews hide their struggles, or come together as a people who are all willing to publicly admit their need for someone larger than themselves.  Do visitors at your church see fellow imperfect strugglers or merely people of perfection?

These AA questions lead me to ask another set of questions:  What is the intended goal of your church?  Is that obvious to the outside world?  The intended goal of AA members is to help lead others to a life of sobriety as they have done themselves.  Alcoholics Anonymous states on it’s website that it  “is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism.”  It’s out of love that we want others to know what we know and experience what we have experienced.  It has to  be both of those, by the way.  If our desire to share Jesus comes only from a place of “knowing” then we are self-righteous know-it-alls.  If we only share Jesus’ love because we have only experienced it, then we are seen as brain-washed, uninformed, and unintellectual nitwits who don’t know any better.  It doesn’t matter what order we do it in.  Saul knew a whole lot before he experienced Jesus and his grace first hand.  The disciples experienced Jesus first and didn’t understand anything he said until after his resurrection.

We have to understand that our goal is to reach the ends of the earth with the Gospel and this is because we believe in and have experienced the freedom and relief that comes by receiving His unmerited grace.  If our goal is to gain numbers for global domination, we’ve got it all wrong.  Like the AA member, we gather and don’t skip our meetings because we know what it feels like to be addicted, to struggle, and to be in need.  We know what it’s like to feel lost, hopeless, and overwhelmed.  We know what it’s like to feel guilt and shame over our failures and the hurts we have caused others.  And we know what it’s like to be freed from all that.  We know what it’s like to be loved despite our worst.  We know what it’s like to be accepted and valued, despite the deepest transgression.  We know what it’s like to be challenged through trials and temptation, but to come out on the other side full of hope and peace.  We know what it’s like to walk in sobriety.  It is because of that freedom and the knowledge and wisdom that comes by the Holy Spirit, that we desire all those hurting and struggling around us to join us.  We seek to support, love, and encourage one another.  It’s important to stay connected and involved in this supportive group called “the church” and to increasingly challenge each other to hold fast to the goals and reasons for it’s existence.  We can’t do it alone.

The Apostle Paul writes in Colossians about his role within his “AA support group”, the church.  Let it be an encouragement and an example for those of us who are seeking to walk a life of sobriety.

“Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the church, of which I became a minister according to the stewardship from God that was given to me for you, to make the word of God fully known, the mystery hidden for ages and generations but now revealed to his saints. To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.  Him we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ. For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully works within me” ( 1 Colossians 1:24-29).

Jesus is at work in us.  The mystery of Christ in you delivers great riches and amazing strength.  Don’t skip your meetings with Him and with others who He is working in.  Be an encouragement to the Body of Christ, and let the body encourage you.  If you are a Christian, remember how you have been rescued by His love and grace.  Remember to share that and extend the same love to others.  (It might be their first time to see if Christians really mean what they say, or if they are hypocrites.)  Be fully known and vulnerable and see the love of Jesus cover over any weakness or failure.  His support, love, and acceptance will only encourage your walk in sobriety.  When suffering or trial comes, know that there are likely others going through the same difficulties.  Find them, seek them out, and be honest.  Put aside all preconceived notions and test the waters of vulnerability and community.  It’s not a 14 1/2 hour nap, but it can be just as restful, refreshing, and reassuring.

 

Life After Rehab: Step 4…

July 2, 2014 — Leave a comment

Just a little recap…

I’ve been writing about some helpful steps I found from a drug rehab facility for recovering addicts who are entering back into society after their recovery program.  I have found that these steps are helpful when thinking about my life after rehab–our Family Rehab.  If you have no idea what I’m talking about…there’s about 9 months worth of blog posts for you to catch up on. 🙂  In short, our family has spent the past school year taking an intentional break from the rushed nature of our American lives.  We pulled our kids out of public school and taught them from home.  We were intentional about getting to know our kids, teaching them in a relaxed and deliberate way about Jesus, and spending time together as a family.  During this time, my husband, a church planter in Buda, TX, was offered a position at a church 2 1/2+ hours away from family and friends.  This proved to be just the kind of situation that required our family to come together even more and learn how to trust Jesus both as a unit and individually.  We have wrapped up our school year and this time of Family Rehab, and are now focusing on Life After Rehab in this new environment with it’s new challenges.

We pick up with Life After Rehab: Step 4…

 

Step 4:  Focus on Mental Health. 

“Returning to an old routine can bring stress and anxiety, especially if people are dealing with an intense craving for alcohol or drugs, and it can be easy to focus on the negativity. Sadness can build and build until a relapse seems not only possible but also certain. Finding a moment in each and every day to do something positive could be vital. A few moments of morning meditation could help the clouds of anxiety to part, for example, and that could bring the person the peace needed for the rest of the day. Exercise might also play a key role. While researchers aren’t quite sure how mental health and physical activity are linked, the Mayo Clinic reports that depression and anxiety levels can lower when a person exercises regularly. Taking a walk with the dog, swimming a few laps in the pool or lifting weights in the basement could all provide a little boost to mood, and these actions could also help a person feel just a little stronger and a lot healthier” (http://www.michaelshouse.com).

 

Life is stressful no matter what season we find ourselves in, but stepping out of a period of intentional rest and restoration and back into the rat-race can be an anxiety-stricken time. It can be overwhelming and turn the most optimistic personality into a scrooge of negativity. Our sobriety is not about resisting the highs of alcohol or drugs but is rather about maintaining a sober-mindedness and resistance to the all-consuming swirling world of tasks and appointments.  Finding ourselves immersed in a culture that holds the value of productivity, speed, and business on a over-extended pedestal can be both depressing and fearful.  Getting caught up in the pursuit to perform well can make the failure to do so detrimental to our outlook on life and our worth.   Taking care of ourselves both mentally and physically is important in standing firm against the temptation to find our value and worth in our worldly successes and long list of to-dos. I think this is something that we have learned over our year of rehab. Again, keeping that appointment with Jesus and spending time meditating on God’s Word can change the entire outlook of the day. (See the last post about Step 3).  Going on walks can take my frustration and fatigue level from a 10 down to a 2. It’s important that we find healthy options for guilt-free exercise, rest, and time with Jesus.

It’s important to supply this to our kids as well. The tension in our house goes down when everyone has had a chance to be physically active and they’ve had a good night’s rest. It requires sacrifice of time and sometimes money, but it is well worth it. It had been easier during Family Rehab to rest together and take walks together, simply because the sacrifice needed to do these things was been part of the designated goal. Now that we aren’t in “rehab” anymore, guilt creeps back in, convincing us that resting together or exercising isn’t the best use of our time. But it’s important to recognize that guilt isn’t a fruit of the Spirit. If we now commit to–and now believe that–rest and exercise are an integral part of continued “sobriety”, than we are more likely to reserve time, space, and money for it.

But if anybody reading this is the slightest bit like me, they will sympathize with me over the fact that exercise, rest, and meditation are areas in which I don’t have the best of luck.  Just a few weeks ago, I was thoroughly excited about starting up a good fitness routine again.  I found a bikram yoga studio here in Katy and was fully prepared to buy a membership after the first class.  The day before, I had been overly ambitious at home and tried to rearrange some furniture on my own, tweaking a few places in my back.  My thinking was that stretching out in a 90 degree room would be just the thing my aching back would need.  It’s been a really, really long time since I have attended a bikram yoga class–so long, in fact, that I forgot just how much lower back and core strength is required.  I was quickly reminded that it “ain’t” just stretching!  But if any of you know yoga law, you know that once you start a class, you don’t quit.  You can’t leave.  So, I stayed and stuck it out. And, of course, with my pride and competitive nature in full throttle, I couldn’t just ‘take it slow’.  I had to prove to myself that I could still do the things I could do pre-babies number 3 and 4.  It was quite a humbling experience.  Needless to say, that was what landed me in bed for a whole solid week.

That exercising experience didn’t result in a lack of depression and anxiety–it fueled it!  I’m sure if done properly, with boundaries, and a healthy approach exercise does exactly what it’s supposed to do.  The same goes for rest.  When we rest with a heart that is trusting God with our time and our motives, rest can be an amazing gift.  But, when we approach rest with anxiety about what we will be “irresponsibly avoiding” while we rest, we aren’t really resting at all.  We aren’t resting fully.  Or, when we use rest as an excuse or an escape it can result in unhealthy rest.  This might look like indulging in a gossip magazine for us women or lustful pictures or videos for men.

Real quality rest comes from Jesus.  I’m not saying that healthy rest only looks like a bible, a pen, and a Starbucks.  It can be a family game, a nap, watching some World Cup soccer (so sad to see the US go), gardening, painting, an evening stroll, or even an episode of a favorite TV show.  However, I think it’s necessary for rest to be helpful–not destructive.  Much like my bikram experience, it ended up not being helpful at all, and set my good desire for a healthier routine back a month or so.  It wasn’t worth it!  Neither is “rest” that results in guilt or shame.  It ends up setting us back.  It ends up being destructive.  The time and emotional energy that it takes to recover and repent sucks away rest.  Resting in Jesus looks like enjoying life but with sober-mindedness.  If we approach exercise and rest with sobriety, taking time to consider our choices, then we enter into it with a greater chance of success.  I’m not saying we have to spend hours laboring over what to do every time we have an opportunity to exercise or rest (that’s anxiety), but quickly assessing with 2 easy questions and 1 reminder could help.

Question 1:  Is this what God wants for me and my health right now?

If the answer to the question is ‘no’, then you’re done.  Figure out what He does want and put that first idea to rest.  Hold it captive to Him and move on to another idea.  Don’t try to convince yourself or make something that’s not healthy for others, somehow permissible for you.

If the answer to the question is ‘yes‘, then ask Question 2.

Question 2: Where is my heart in all this?

I hate to be a constant motive-hunter  but these kinds of questions are the ones that in moments of sobriety seem so obvious and easy to consider, but in the moment they escape me.  I wasn’t thinking about my motives at all when I had sweat pouring down my face as I was trying my hardest to contort my body into a yoga pretzel.  If I had been able to think about the unhealthiness of my competitiveness in the moment, I would have just stopped and laid down like a pretzel stick saving myself from a lot of pain.  But I am learning that I’ve got to ask myself these questions before I make plans from which I can’t just walk out of the room.  Making the decision in the moment goes beyond my personal level of self-control.  Maybe some of you are stronger than me in this area, but I’ve got to ask myself these things and search my heart before hand.  If I feel like resting by flipping on the tv or surfing the web, I’ve got to check my motives and know where I could potentially lose my “sobriety”.  I may not struggle with my yoga competitiveness when I watch tv or visit some favorite sites, but I might find myself comparing myself to the beautiful models in the commercials, or the super-moms and their ability to be innovative crafters of recycled goods.  I’ve got to ask the question before I grab the remote or the smart-phone so I know how to avoid squandering my opportunity for rest or exercise.  If I ask the questions, than I am more keenly aware of my weaknesses and can make better decisions.  So often, things go horribly wrong when I mindlessly fall into these activities.  It is impossible to be mindless and sober-minded at the same time.

Most of us also struggle with unique motives to exercise.  The goal of exercise is health, not looks.  The goal of putting on the running tights and shoes is to get your heart pumping, not that of the passerby in the park who watches you run by.  In our society, the struggle to keep ourselves sober-minded in this area is tough.  Women and men alike are encouraged to look better for the purpose of attracting others.  If I see one more Gold’s Gym sign encouraging me to work out so that I “Look Better Naked,”  I just might take them on their word and scare the living daylights out of them, showing up ready to hit the elliptical machine with nothing on.  (Don’t worry, I’d never follow through.)  Whether we struggle with the desire to look better, or we struggle with pridefully thinking we already look better, then we we need to check our motives when working out.  The goal is to feel better both physically and emotionally, not simply to look better.

Then I have to remind myself…

Reminder:  God is in control and I can rest in Him and His plan.  “Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand” (Proverbs 19:21). 

I need help remembering that if this is what God wants for me right now, then He, in His sovereignty, will take care of all the other details of my time and my life.  If I feel guilt about not using that time to get something else done, I need to remember that He loves me and wants the best for me.  He controls the spinning of the earth!  He surely can help me find the time to get that other thing done.  I can remember that in His mercy and deep love for me He wants me to enjoy life to the fullest.

So, if you love hitting the gym, or running, or yoga and have an opportunity to indulge a little time towards it, live in freedom to do it with a joyful heart and carefree spirit.  If you have time to take a little snooze, then remember that it’s a healthy way to spend your time.  God doesn’t want you to squander opportunities for physical activity and rest by questioning yourself if you deserve it or not.  It’s not about what you deserve.  Exercise and rest are a requirement for healthy living and continued “sobriety”.

If you feel like you don’t have time for exercise, rest, or meditation, please seek out the help of friends and advocates who will help you make time for these.  I know I need permission from my husband to rest, exercise, and spend time in the Word because I struggle in feeling guilty about the use of my time in that way.  I don’t literally need his “permission”, but knowing that he supports that use of my time, helps me to also feel good about it.  I need others to remind me about God’s love for me and desire for me to enjoy these things, not feel anxious about them.

This step to rest and exercise is a challenge for all of us.  Let’s take comfort knowing that what is being asked of us is out of the love of the Father and His great care for us and our bodies.

“Beloved, I pray that all may go well with you and that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul” (3 John 1:2).

 

Next…Step 5…